Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for December, 2015

Firing on all cylinders

Merry Christmas to all my loyal fans and supporters. What an exciting day it has been. 

NHS on line fire safety training has finally proved itself useful when brother in law put summat under the grill, forgot it and it combusted. Cue much scurrying about until wet cloth was draped over the offending article. Fire triangle. Has slightly more significance than the shape of a Toblerone now. Although, of course, for 99.99% of the time, a Toblerone will be more satisfying. The other 0.01% of the time it will just melt. 

And take your house with it if you’re not careful……

Be safe everybody….

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In Hospice-Able

Mother is having a small ding dong with our local hospice which started when they sent a reference request to our house. ‘Please send back in the enclosed addressed envelope’. Addressed. No stamp. 

Now Mother is genetically averse to paying for stamps. The cost of them requires a second mortgage, and since we got rid of the first mortgage, she sees no need to cause us further fiscal embarrassment. So she scanned the completed document and e mailed it instead, together with a note advising them of their oversight, stamp wise. 

The reply came today. ‘We are a charity, we don’t do stamps’.  She’s slightly miffed. So an email went back….

‘Bloody cheek. I’m doing you a favour and you expect me to pay for it. I agree to give to charity but not by stealth. Try emailing your requests out, that costs nowt’. 

There are several reasons she’s annoyed. 1. They’ve got more cash than we have. 2. They do insist on trying to tell her what drugs she should give to patients (33 years experience and 1 prescribing qualification gives her the right to ignore that if necessary). 3. People often think she works for the hospice therefore the thank yous, chocs, charitable donations and mentions in the newspaper acknowledgment column generally go to them not to the majority of people who actually deliver the nursing care in the home. Many of whom work for the NHS. Which is hard up and could probably do with a few quid and whose nurses like chocolates as much as the next man. Although as we’re all supposed to be too fat, it’s probably a conspiracy to prevent us bingeing on Quality Street. 

And I say charity begins at home. Usually with Deluxe Gourmet Cat food and Lily’s Kitchen biscuits…….

Fat’s enough

In the paper today, the question ‘are obese nurses a disgrace to the profession?’ One chap thinks they are. So now, in addition to being a terrorist, Mother is also a useless lump of lard. 

She would like to point out that if all the nurses who like a mince pie and a HobNob were to leave the profession, there would be 36 people left to deliver the care. In the same paper, 9 out of 10 hospitals already don’t have enough nurses. Make your mind up Joe Public. Plump, skilled, dedicated and clever nurses to deliver your care or risk death because there aren’t enough staff in 10 out of 10 hospitals, in the community or in your nursing home. And don’t think of moving abroad either, cus their nurses will have moved here. 

Oh, and by the way , Mr Barry of York. Hope you don’t get ill any time soon. You might find that, to herald your arrival, all those ‘obese disgraces’ have decided to go to the canteen for a fry up…….

Well. Got to keep up the image…….

Pill popper

So, the game’s finally up for Nurofen and it’s associated ‘specifically targeted’ pills. Mother has been regaling anyone who would listen that buying this stuff is a waste of money. This is what she does:-

Migraine??  Takes two ibuprofen (25p for 16 from Asda) and saves £2.45. 

Joint pain??  – see above – saves herself £1.89

Sinus pain?? – see above, plus steams her head with plain hot water and has a cup of tea-saves herself up to £5.25 (isn’t that just obscene?? You could buy 1.85 packs of Sheba mini fillet jobbies for that). 

Period pain – what’s one of them???

So people, shop wisely safe in the knowledge that your prudence is not going to cause fiscal damage to the Chief Executives of any of the pharmaceutical companies.

Because we all know how hard up they are, don’t we??

Although they could eke out a new career by writing science fiction I suppose…….

Face it

The other night, a woman was singing on the Graham Norton show who wore a wig over her face. 

She can’t be arsed to show us her face, Mother can’t be arsed to listen. 

That’s what the off button’s for…..

Little terror

The Chief Medical Officer, Dame Sally Clark, says that obese women are ‘as dangerous as a terror threat’. Is this woman right in the head???

Nobody ever got blown up by a woman who was eating too many KitKats. No woman ever hurt anybody by lobbing a Gregg’s sausage roll at them (why would they throw good food away??). No woman ever hid a Kalashnikov inside a jumbo multipack of Wotsits. No fat woman ever drove a plane into a building or took pot shots at Parisian people who were enjoying a good nosh-up. 

Mother’s a bit rotund. She has no extremist views whatsoever. She can’t be arsed. 

Pass the Hobnobs……..

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