Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for September, 2015

Lit up

Mother is watching commercials again. It gives her some insight as to the lengths they will go to in order to sell crap to the masses. 

There appears to be one of these ‘part-work’ thingies where you can collect lighters. Deep joy. Just what you wanted. The history of cigarette lighters in 26 convenient parts. £4.99 each. You can display them on your mantelpiece. 

The advert says that you can ‘build your own unique collection’. No you can’t. How will it be unique if several other people are collecting the very same ones? And who are also ‘uniquely’ deluded. 

Apparently, Zippo is a lighter. And here’s me thinking it was a clown……

Perhaps I wasn’t so far off……

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Walk on by

Today’s ‘what can we pick on nurses for now’ comment concerns our hospital colleagues who apparently ‘walk on by’ past terminally ill patients because they don’t know what to do with them. Nurses aren’t trained in palliative care and many hospitals have no nurse specialists available at weekends. 

Mother thinks that such sweeping statements are utter bollocks. Not everybody is scared of symptom control and there has to be somebody around to ask for advice even if the palliative care specialist is off shopping.  

In the same story, one Trust is spending £39,000 a year on ice. Ice. Bloody frozen water. 

Here’s a radical suggestion. Buy a freezer from Argos and a several dozen ice cube trays from Poundland and make your own……

Then spend the remaining £38,800 on palliative care training…….

Lazarus 

After regaling Mother with news about her terminal muscle strain and indigestion  for the past five days, this morning Granny rang to announce ‘I’ve been up all night with this pain and I’ve sent for a doctor ‘. And she got a home visit, which is pretty bloody near a miracle in itself. Mother stated her opinion – which was that Granny needed Omeprazole for the reflux caused by the Brufen and a bucket full of Valium to help her chill out. And she reiterated that muscle strain doesn’t kill ya. 

Visit made to Granny this pm.  Bright as a sodding button. All mention of the pain gone.  Mother asked ‘what did the doctor say?’

‘He said its muscle strain and he’s given me some tablets (Omeprazole) for my tummy’.  

Shame about the Valium. Mother could have done with some of that………

Hamming it up

Granny has asked Mother not to bring the ‘picnic ham’ from M & S as she doesn’t like it as much as her usual stuff. Turns out, it is her usual ham, with the words ‘picnic item’ written on it. And she still says she doesn’t like it as much. Damn you Marks & Spencer for confusing an old woman. 

Granny has just rung Mother to say she had a pain in her side which she can’t get rid of. Mother knows how that feels – she has a big Granny-shaped ache in hers. 

Granny thinks she has a UTI. She doesn’t. It’s musculo-skeletal. And why might this be?……

Because she isn’t taking her bloody painkillers.

Mother’s head might have to contact a brick wall pretty soon………

Seeing Red

Members of the grammar and punctuation police can come from all walks of life. Mother has risen steadily through the ranks to Chief Inspector. This gives her the right to mark (with a big red pen) all the mistakes in the notices in the office. She is not the most popular for this, especially with an inspection looming – the Trust does not want to draw attention to the fact that some people are apostrophe illiterate. If you can’t put a small mark in the correct place on a sign, why are we entrusting you with the patient’s health and wellbeing?  That sort of thing. 

Anyway, the newest recruit to the cause comes from an unlikely place. Harry Styles, the long haired, multi-tattooed, multi millionaire from One Direction. He apparently changed a sign held by a fan from ‘Your wonderful’ (or something like that) to ‘You’re wonderful’ before signing it and handing it back, possibly with the inscription ‘your spelling’s shite, 1/10 for effort’. 

Good on you. And if you find you’re at a loss for something to do after the break-up of the band, when Mother retires next May there will be a vacancy waiting here for you……..

Happy Ending?

So somebody else is jumping on the ‘what can we take a dig at nurses for this week?’ bandwagon and claiming that nurses ‘do not know what to do’ with dying patients without the now defunct, tick box exercise which was the Liverpool Care Pathway. Except that this time, doctors are being tarred with the same brush. 

Now, Mother says that some doctors should seek advice before prescribing palliative drugs as this would make her life easier, however, anybody suggesting that Mother, and her very experienced colleagues, can’t look after the dying in a caring and compassionate way should brace themselves for a clout round the lughole. 

That’s that box ticked then……..

On the ball

So, in an attempt to cut sickness and stress, Simon Stevens, Chief Executive of the NHS thinks that nurses should play netball on their meal break.

Wot meal break would that be then??

Stupid boy, Pike….He’s advocating spending £5 million on this.

Here’s a big clue to solving the sick issue mate.

Employ more staff. And by this Mother says she means nurses – not a bloody netball coach……

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