So, One Direction are flying in the face of their name by scuttling off in reverse. Putting the brakes on their career. Making an emergency stop. Turning a corner….
Oh, enough of the Highway Code analogies already – they’re splitting up, causing their army of millions of young fans to declare that they are distraught.
Oh give me strength. You don’t know them. They don’t know you. Save your energy and distress for something really important.
Like will the Chinese economy ever recover?……..
Mother has made Brownies today.
I wanted to know how she would go about creating small persons who sell cookies and do good deeds but she reliably informs me that you can eat these small, gooey things made with cocoa.
Chocolate. Beats the shit out of altruism every time…..
Mother has been for an eye test today. Fortunately she isn’t as blind as a bat and the pennies which would have had to be spent on new glasses are remaining in the retirement fund.
Whilst waiting, Mother heard an elderly couple talking to a young Asian lady about the optician they’d just seen.
‘Lovely girl. Said she was born in India. Are you from India?’
‘Oh, so you must be from Pakistan then?’
‘Where are you from?’
‘And you’re not bad looking are you?’
This will be henceforth known as the day when race relations and cultural awareness took a giant leap backwards……
Mother went on an animal expedition last weekend.
Not for her the long trip into the veldt on the back of a Land Rover. She shuns the searing heat of the bush where one might get wanged with an arrow shot by a demon dentist (bastard). This is a woman for whom the word Safari means a search engine and gorillas an alternative, virtual musical outfit. The closest she is likely to come to a big cat is if I put weight on. So, where has she been on this odyssey, I hear you cry?
Chester Zoo. No expense spared in this house mate……..
So Kim Jung-un Who Flung Dung is changing the time in North Korea. From 15th August, they will be 30 minutes behind Japanese time because they want a little time zone all to themselves.
Mother says if she was setting her own time zone, she certainly wouldn’t be turning the clock back. Another potential 30 minutes in NHS purgatory will be 29 minutes 59 seconds too much.
Putting the clock forward on the other hand…….
Mother says that the rep of our local Waitrose has been forever ruined by a woman shouting ‘Jensen!!’ at the top of her voice. It should never be allowed.
Whilst shopping in Waitrose, parents should call their kids ‘Jeremy’ and ‘Matilda’. Regardless of what their real name is……