Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for May, 2015

Spring Clean

Yesterday, Mother saw a van with the words ‘Blinding Cleaning’ written on it.

Nice to know that there’s somebody out there who will clean your kitchen floor and then poke you in the eye with the mop……. 

Lippy

Mother has just noticed that Nicola Sturgeon has no lips. She just puts lipstick around the big hole in her face…….

Well, you can’t expect much  from someone who’s named after a bottom feeder……

Fick or wot??

Well, the extent of people’s ignorance never fails to amaze me.

In the paper today, the girl who doesn’t know who David Cameron is and thinks you have to pay to vote. She thinks that Morgan Freeman is Nelson Mandela, Margaret Thatcher is the Queen, and, when you are pregnant you have to drink loads of milk to fill your boobs up so you can breastfeed. And, surprise surprise – she comes from round here. 

She blames skool for not teaching her anyfin. 

When Mother was at school, you sat on planks of wood. You didn’t attempt to educate them…….

More Goodbyes

Today is doubly sad, for we have said goodbye to Saffy Hall, who had a facial tumour, and Toby Black, who had a weird syndrome affecting his bowel.  We thought he would recover, but it was not to be. He was six years old. 

We are pleased that Saffy finally made it home to be with her dad after being missing for a couple of years, and that Toby was embraced in the loving arms of Aunty Julia.  He knew which side his bread was buttered, and, quite literally, ate all the pies. 

Goodbye friends. See you on the other side xxx

Celebrate

Happy Nurses’ Day to all those caring peeps out there. Remember to channel the essence of Flo in whatever you do….Or perhaps not as that would entail sitting on your arse for the next ten years, doing sums in your head and finding out that Virgin doesn’t just describe a train service. Even her own mother had written her off on that front 

Never really understood the importance of that lamp. After all, there was never a genie in it……

Where are you??

Well, it’s official. Them invisibility pills Mother has been taking are working a treat. The Care Quality Commission say that there is no district nursing service in our area between 5 and 7 pm and 7 and 9 am.  

Slight dose of muppetry and being at home to Mr Cock-up there I feel.  The service has been around for ages. Mother and all those other invisible people do a grand job..

Although if she is invisible , how do you know she’s really there?  Or is she really in two places at once? If a nurse turns up to do a job but nobody hears her, is she really there? What about a Shrodinger’s nurse experiment with an RGN in a car? 

Who writes this shit??…….

Annoying Mark 1

Bag For Life

No They’re Not……

Well, they are if you’re planning to live for about 3 days…

Promises

Following the resignation of Wallace Miliband, I am going to put myself forward as leader of the Labour party.

My manifesto is as follows:

1. Immediate 10% pay rise for all nurses (Mother made me put that in).

2.  Immediate execution for anyone who abuses animals. (Am also thinking of a compulsory knitting circle around the guillotine).

3. A £10,000 fine for standing in the middle of supermarket aisles gossiping when some poor sod is trying to get their trolley round you.  Revenue used to fund nurses payrise.

4. A £1000 fine for the misuse of the word ‘unique’. Revenue used to fund the nurses payrise. 

5. Same conditions for misuse of the possessive apostrophe. Idiots who have it written for posterity on their vans will be fined £10,000. 

6. Free cat food for ginger cats. Knighthood for Noel Fitzpatrick, Pat Kinch (my vet), Nick Williams, Hywel Parry (Toby’s vets). Companion of Honour for Auntie Julia and Uncle Goober. Mother will become a Dame

After all there’s nothing like one…….

Wonka

Mother is watching a TV programme which shows you how to make a Kit Kat. 

Apparently, it takes a whopping great big machine to create a delicious chocolate bar – from cocoa beans to scrummy in 24 hours. The height of perfection….

Hands up if you ever felt chuffed when the machine ballsed it up, forgot to put the wafer in and left you with a blissful lump of pure chocolate??? 

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