Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for April, 2015

Detective

Mother has decided to write her own version of the American TV program ‘Elementary’. It will be called ‘Alimentary’ and it goes something like this:

Sherlock had a feeling in his gut which was quite hard to stomach. It was probably due to seeing that colon which was stuck in the wrong place in the message. Why can’t people punctuate properly?? 

With Watson away, he called on his old friend, Inspector Dai O’Rhea from the Welsh Constabulary for help to catch the gang.  He knew it would be easier to caecum with more hands on deck. How they had the gall to commit the crime, God knows. 

Eventually, they tracked them down to villus in the South of France. They were just in chyme. The alibis were hard to digest and the gang was arrested.   They were a bit mouthy, but finally owned up. For details of the court case and sentencing, please see the appendix.  

The End. (Smart arse…….)

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Prayers

Me again with a special post – you lucky people, 2 in one day. 

Please can I ask anybody who reads this to send a positive thought to my mate Toby, who after having a tummy upset for a week, has now been diagnosed with lymphoma following an exploratory operation. Auntie Julia is beside herself with worry. 

Got to wait for biopsy results. Hope we’ve caught it in time and that chemotherapy will work. He’s only 6 and he deserves a lot more years. 

Xxx

Tick box

In the papers over the last couple of days, there have been discussions about whether GPs should routinely ask elderly patients if they want to be resuscitated. Apparently, some surgeries are ringing the over 75s up out of the blue and asking them. Beats trying to sell them double glazing, I suppose. 

For years now, Mother  has said that she wants ‘Do Not Attempt Resuscitation ‘ tattooed on her chest for when the time comes. This is because she used to be part of the hospital ‘crash’ team and has seen many futile resuscitation attempts which rob the patients of their final dignity. This doesn’t mean she supports this initiative. 

Granny says she wants to be cryogenically frozen and woken up when the storyline on Emmerdale gets a bit more interesting. 

It’ll be a long wait then………

Waxed Over

Mother has just bought a smelly candle in a tin. When you look inside it it says ‘please remove lid before lighting’.

No shit Sherlock. Anybody who tries to light the candle through a piece of metal deserves to stay in the dark……

Phew

Today is the hottest day of the year so far. 

Tell that to Mothers’s washing. It’s been out for four hours and God has just relieved himself on it. 

Should use a toilet like everybody else……

Charity begins at work

‘Call me Dave’ has suggested that employees be given an extra 3 days off per year to volunteer for good causes. Mother wonders how many will try to promote the good cause of shopping by trolling round the Trafford Centre during their bonus time off. When Dave talks about the ‘Big Society’ it’s  a certainty that he ain’t referring to the huge checkout queue in John Lewis just before Christmas. 

Good luck with that then mate. Round here, there are people who work on their days off, never get home on time, come in early, miss scheduled breaks give up their annual leaves and Mother’s personal favourite, reply to works e mails whilst watching Coronation Street.

You haven’t got a snowballs………

Knit two together

Mother is making toys for Auntie Janice to sell for charity. Today she has knit a nurse.  

Bugger me. If only solving the local NHS nurse shortage was as simple. 

Mind you, there probably wouldn’t be enough wool……..

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