Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for February, 2015

How the Mighty Fall

Well, what’s this fuss over Madonna going arse over tit at some awards ceremony?  Nobody was bothered when Granny fell over. Mother suggests this might be because Granny isn’t worth a fortune, hasn’t got a new record to sell, wasn’t surrounded by men with hardly any clothes on and doesn’t rely on British Steel to make her underwear. 

At least falling over in the kitchen wasn’t witnessed by 20,000 people…

In other news today, Murphy is home. Hope he gets a nice steak dinner…..

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Dozy

Apparently, too much sleep can cause you to have a stroke.

Mother says I’m f**ked…..

Plagued

Who knew? For centuries, the rat has been blamed for introducing the Bubonic Plague to Europe and it turns out it was the bloody gerbil. 

Yep, Gerry the Giant Gerbil and his performing fleas packed his spotted hanky and travelled from Mongolia on the medieval version of Easy Jet and rocked up on these shores spreading the evil Yersinia Pestis. 

Exonerated the rats may be. But Mother still hates the little furry bastards……

Boob

Following on from yesterday’s post, in the paper today a woman in Scotland who was told that she couldn’t be excused jury duty because she was breastfeeding. Eventually she was told that the Court Service had backed down and she could stop at home with the little sucker.

Oh duck. You come from the land of William Wallace, painting your face blue, men in skirts and ‘FREEDOM..’ shouted at the top of your voice. Stop whinging.

Give the sprog a deep fried Mars Bar to chomp on, then gerrof and do your civic duty…..

Tits up

In today’s paper, MPs are advocating paid breastfeeding breaks for new mothers. Think of it as a fag break for infants.

One assumes that the baby won’t be joined at the hip to its mummy when she’s at work. Or on a bungee rope so it can be twanged into the office when it’s hungry. Or that boobies won’t be flopped out on a whim. Or that someone won’t put the wrong milk in their tea.

Mother says she doesn’t get a paid meal break. She sometimes doesn’t even get an unpaid one.

If she promises to go on a liquid diet, will MPs sort something out for her? After all, somebody has got to have the strength to keep working whilst the dairies are in production……

Flu

A few months ago, you may remember Mothers’s insistence that anyone who came anywhere near her with the flu jab would end up with the syringe shoved firmly up their nose. She came under a little bit of flak for her lack of public spirit and potential for Typhoid Mary status but she would now like to say:-

‘This years flu vaccine was absolutely bloody useless. You would have been better off shoving it up your nose without it being propelled in angry protest. It was only effective for 3% of the population and the other 97% should have stocked up with hankies and paracetamol ‘.

At least she isn’t gloating….

Much…

Best wishes

Granny -‘Will you get me a birthday card? Not a blank one. One which says Happy Birthday. I don’t know what to write in a blank one’.

Mother – ‘Can’t you write ‘Happy Birthday’ in a blank one?’

Granny – ‘No’

Perhaps there ain’t enough ink in her pen…..

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