Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for January, 2015

Sunk

Apparently, not many people are taking up swimming for health. Mother says she’s not bloody surprised. If God had wanted her to swim, she’d have been born with flippers.

She has never really wanted to dunk herself in chlorinated water that people have peed in. If she really wanted to immerse herself in urine she’d stick her head down the bog.

Although now she’s back at work there’s no shortage of effluent to cover herself in even if most of it is generated by NHS management……

Requiem

This morning at 0730, a deep frozen goldfish made his way into the wheely bin. A brief moment of reflection and he was off.

Mother is a bit disappointed. She invited the Archbishops of Canterbury and London, the Chief Rabbi and the Imam. Nobody turned up. She was just trying to cover all the bases. Who knows what religion a fish is……..

In the news today – NHS bigwigs have provided new guidelines for the calling of a major incident. This is in response to several hospitals calling one earlier in the month.

So, now you can only say you’re in trouble if you have at least 50 ambulances backed up outside A & E, patients top to toe in beds, some beds on the car park (and one in our shed), 1 nurse per 150 people, Granny forced to walk home in the snow because there’s no transport available to take her, a drugs budget of £3.50, you start recycling syringes and the cow jumps over the moon. During a lunar eclipse.

So that would be never then. Sounds like political posturing to me.

Election anyone?…….

Notice

It is with great sadness that we announce the passing unto Glory of Dave the fish. Beloved non biological cousin of Archie, he has remained silent but steadfast, doing laps around his tank until 0720 this morning when he started to list like the Titanic. Currently residing in our freezer from whence he will be deposited into the bin after a short service.

No flowers please. Donations to the ‘feed Archie Memorial Trust’. Friends meet at the bin and disperse.

May he forever rest in peace…

Any volunteers to help Mother empty, move and sterilise the whopping great tank ready for the new tenants will be gratefully received….🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠

Murphy’s Law

Since just before Christmas, Mother has been following the attempts to get Murphy the Husky safely home after he went missing, presumed stolen, during a walk in a Bradford cemetery. She has been amazed by the number of dogs which have been found wandering, some of which have been reunited with their rightful owners. She is also pleasantly surprised by the generosity of ordinary people all over the country who are working hard to keep animals safe.

But she is very distressed by some of the stories going around at the minute. Puppies left to freeze to death outside Aldi. Dogs with fur so matted they can’t see or stand. And the worst of all, Alfie who has died following intentional poisoning with MDMA.

Some hoomans are bastards….If you want to poison yourself, fine. Just lay off anything with four legs……

PS – come home Murphy.

Are you awake??

In the paper today, some of the lovely people at 111 begin some of their phone consults with ‘are you conscious??’

Well, what can you say to that?? Mother would be sorely tempted to say ‘no’ just to see what they do next……

Body Politic

Sid

It’s the season of madness when politicians will promise you the earth if you will put your cross against their party in the upcoming General Election.

Mother is banned from electioneering. Her employers don’t like their nurses to use their privileged position to spout political opinion. And quite right too.

Mother is pretty ambivalent when it comes to who runs the country. She is, however, a bit concerned about having Wallace as Prime Minister. Will he increase the National debt by spending all our cash on Wensleydale and crackers? Will he attempt to introduce the self-emptying bed in order to resolve the NHS bed occupancy crisis? Will he turn up for work in the Wrong Trousers?

I think she should leave Ed Miliband alone. There is absolutely no evidence that he is a stop-motion figure……

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Body Politic

It’s the season of madness when politicians will promise you the earth if you will put your cross against their party in the upcoming General Election.

Mother is banned from electioneering. Her employers don’t like their nurses to use their privileged position to spout political opinion. And quite right too.

Mother is pretty ambivalent when it comes to who runs the country. She is, however, a bit concerned about having Wallace as Prime Minister. Will he increase the National debt by spending all our cash on Wensleydale and crackers? Will he attempt to introduce the self-emptying bed in order to resolve the NHS bed occupancy crisis? Will he turn up for work in the Wrong Trousers?

I think she should leave Ed Miliband alone. There is absolutely no evidence that he is a stop-motion figure……

Mad World

You humans are bonkers. Just because somebody draws a picture you don’t like doesn’t give you the right to murder them. Or, as a BBC correspondent so redundantly put it on the news this lunchtime, people were ‘shot dead and killed’.

This is where you differ from us cats. Some more fanatically aggrieved humans will pick up an AK-47 and spray bullets into people who are armed with graphite on the end of a stick.

Cats will piss in your pencil-case…….

No room at the inn

A little bit late for the Christmas period, our local big house has declared a ‘major incident’ because there is no room for patients. Unlike Mary and Joseph, it would appear that modern people are not happy with the prospect of being lodged in a stable. Bit of an infection control risk if you ask me. Too much cow dung….

So remember people, don’t ring the emergency services if you need someone to blow on your chips….. Or if you only have sprinkles on one side of your Mr Whippy…..

Unless, of course, you can’t puff on your chips cus you’ve stopped breathing. Then it’s perfectly justified to send for the jolly green Giants……..

Paddington Dog

By now, I suppose you will have all seen the photo of the lovely dog, Kai, who was left at Ayr station with a suitcase full of his belongings. Apparently, there was food in there, but if nobody had helped him, how he was supposed to get at it God knows.

Apparently, there are people in California who have offered to adopt him. Mother says that she can just see him heading down to the Virgin Atlantic check in with his baggage. ‘Did you pack this yourself Sir?’ ‘Nope, some bastard did it for me. Besides, I’m a dog , how do you think I managed to fold the blanket so neatly with these feet?’

I have pointed out that talking dogs are few and far between, but she’s ignored me…..

Anyway, best of luck Kai. Doubt you’ll be swanning off to the States but am sure you’ll find a great home soon🐶

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