Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for August, 2014


I love being groomed. Why wouldn’t I? All that attention just for me….

Mother has just got enough fur from me to knit all the jumpers for Marks and Spencer’s winter collection. At one point she thought it would all come off and I would be as bald as Wayne Rooney before his transplant. Fortunately, that never happened.

He may have the money, but I’ve got the good looks and charm……


According to Uncle Andy, I have new feline cousins. AKA the Devizes Two, this posse go by the names of Socks and Mouse, presumably because one has white paws and the other has huge lug holes and a starring role in the touring version of Fantasia.

Fancy calling a cat Mouse. It’s asking for an identity crisis. Poor thing won’t know if it’s Tom or Jerry……..

Heavy breathing

Granny has been talking about a woman who has recently had an assessment for Long Term Oxygen Therapy. Several interesting points have been raised:-

1. You get a visit from a fireman – supposedly to assess if you might blow yourself up with an O2 canister and a fag. If this is what it takes to get a fireman in your house when it is not burning down, Mother says that she has come over a bit wheezy…..
2. Said woman was asked to do the COPD equivalent of the New York marathon (one lap round the living room). On passing this test (despite a few “I can’t f***ing do its), she was told that O2 was not necessary. She ain’t as bad as she thinks she is. Mother says that, from her experience, people who persist on saying they can’t do something can do it perfectly well. It’s the quiet ones you have to watch for…..
3. Woman’s family say she has been known to lay it on a bit thick. Granny feels that this is dreadful. This coming from a woman whose day is not complete unless she has some sort of medical emergency.

Granny has a black kettle. She’s asking this woman if she has a pot she can borrow……

Little man gone

Mother had been making friends with a tiny black and white cat living opposite from Granny named Jimmy. This little sweetie was 20 odd years old, loved a cuddle and had huge feet – he was a polydactyl cat with six toes on each foot.

Mother hadn’t seen him for a bit and found out today that he succumbed to renal failure last Monday. At least his last days were spent lying in the sun.

Nite, nite little man. See you later………


Today in the surreal world of Granny….

Moaning about the factory down the road

‘I was woken up at 5 o clock this morning by a ‘beep, beep beep’ noise’

Mother – ‘that’s a bit early for reversing alarms to be going off’

‘Yes, they were going off earlier than that’

Mother – ‘how would you know, you were asleep?’

Some people have strange dreams…….

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