Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for June, 2014

Dropped off

According to today’s paper, leprosy is still being diagnosed in England and Wales. Granny thinks she might have it. Although her leg hasn’t fell off yet and she hasn’t taken to walking around swathed in bandages, she hasn’t got a bag over her head and she isn’t living in a tent on an island which can only be reached by a rowing boat. Oh, and there isn’t a bell round her neck either.

Nice to see that Mother’s diagnostic skills are as sharp as ever……..

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Silly me….

Further to my previous cretinous post, Mother has now had to remind me that the Kaiser Chiefs aren’t WW1 German generals, in the service of a warmonger with a gammy arm.

I really must stop taking things so literally……

Mother says she predicts a riot if I don’t grow some common sense…..

War – what is it good for?

Today is the 100th anniversary of the assassination of Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo – an event which precipitated the start of the First World War.

And here’s me thinking that it was a Scottish Indie rock band.

Thick or what……

Disabled????

Yesterday, Mother saw a man walking along the road holding a mobile phone in one hand and an elbow crutch in the other. Nothing wrong with that except he was flinging the crutch in the air as if to raise a rather animated point during his conversation. At no point during this did he keel over, ergo, he doesn’t really need the support of a bit of plastic and metal to go about his daily life.

It’s such a shame that a man from the DWP wasn’t hiding behind a tree ready to leap out and take a photograph, the shock of which would have caused pseudo-disabled man to fall on his arse and given Mother a laugh to slightly compensate for the fact that her hard earned cash gets taxed to no doubt pay his benefits.

Unless he’s not actually on benefits….

Bloody hell, there’s that levitating pig again……..

Washers

Whilst Mother was laid up with a migraine last night, it would appear that England lost their football match against some South American country or other.  As she hates any type of sport, she says that having a bad head was infinitely better than watching that load of tossers run around a field. She says if they were paid in washers they shouldn’t have enough to fix a dripping tap….

Granny, on the other hand, is engrossed – possibly because these 11 idiots  are doing something she can’t – stand up straight….She is supporting the Netherlands, even though the closest she has got to Holland is a bunch of tulips she had given to her in March…..

So, apparently, if the two South American teams lose, Italy make a draw, the moon is in the seventh house, Jupiter is aligned with Mars and Mother wins several millions on the Lottery, England will get through to the next round.

Just seen that flying pig again………..

Extinct

Today, Mother has learned that she is on the endangered species list. Apparently, district nurses will be a thing of the past by 2025, with 35% of them set to retire in the next five years. Also, 19% of the work they do today is paperwork (including filling in forms which ask how much urine a newly inserted catheter has drained which then asks how you know it is in the right place. Duh…..No I thought I’d try putting it in through the nose for a laugh. The stuff in the bag is a dead giveaway that it’s in the right place……)

Joe Public had better start learning how to put their own catheters in. And give their own injections. 💉 Dress their own legs. Prescribe their own drugs. 💊 Plan their own care. Get their own commode. Find answers to their queries from Google. Verify their own death (a tad difficult, Mother admits). Replace their own drains, stoma bags and very fetching anti thrombosis stockings. Look after their own elderly relatives overnight. Test their own urine and diagnose their own infection. Take their own blood. Auscultate their own chests. The list goes on….

At least they will be spared ‘death by form-filling’ …..

Thanks

Mother would like to say thanks to everyone who sent her birthday wishes yesterday. She had a great day, culminating in an afternoon tea with her best buds.

My birthday is on July 19th. Don’t bother with cards – I can’t read them

Just send money…….

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