Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for January, 2014

Religious nut

Whilst out shopping this morning, Mother came across a bill board advertising the local evening newspaper. It read
‘Adams will stay – Pope’. Mother was not aware that Adams was Pope – she thought it was Frank.
Turns out it was referring to a footballer who wasn’t going to leave Port Vale.
You’d think that journalists would be able to get their point across without reducing themselves to making such cock-ups wouldn’t you?………

IT Girl

The nurses in Mother’s team have been chosen as vanguards of the NHS IT revolution within their Trust. They are going to be provided with laptops, just like the gas-man has when he comes to service your boiler. It has only taken 7 years for the recording of care given to a human being to achieve parity with the hoovering out and titivating  of an inanimate object…..



Lost the plot

Mother thinks I might be going a bit senile. Last week, she caught me sitting outside the neighbour’s back door waiting to be let in. Good job the door didn’t open as they have rather an obnoxious dog which I would have come face to face with.

I have also taken to staring at the telly.

Don’t know what the fuss is. I don’t moan when she does it…..

What’s in a name

Apparently, our local institution for the incarceration of the ill, infirm and injured has a new contingent called The Winter Action Team.

Thank God for alliteration.

And acronyms………

God. More Problems

Mother has attempted to submit her mileage claim only to find that she can’t. Apparently, her insurance is out of date and she hasn’t got an MOT certificate.

Insurance was duly renewed last November and, as for an MOT, they’ll be waiting a long time for that as the car isn’t old enough. Several, not at all threatening, e mails and one very polite phone call later and service was resumed.

Mother is considering swapping the car soon but is scared that it will take several months to get it entered into the mileage check system.

I think she should invest in a bike meself……..

You can’t take it with you

Mother has been watching afternoon telly. I tell her it will rot her brain cells but she still keeps doing it.

She is amazed at the number of adverts for life insurance. Everybody wants the ‘peace of mind’  of knowing that there is enough dosh to bury them with and that  their loved ones will be cared for when the time comes to shuffle off.

Mother hasn’t got life insurance. She doesn’t actually care what happens when she’s dead. She won’t know. She would rather spend the life insurance premiums now. On food. She get great peace of mind knowing that there is a Kit-Kat or three in the cupboard…….


Six degrees of Jack Whitehall

Mother has been reading the book written by Jack Whitehall and his father. In it, he recalls the family staying in Stoke on Trent with friends, and while the kids and their mother went to Alton Towers, his rather grumpy father Michael went to Etruria Industrial Museum. So:

Michael is related to Jack

Michael goes to the museum, where Great Uncle Jimbo used to work

Great Uncle Jimbo is related to Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy is great friends with Mother

Mother is related (sort of) to me, ergo

I am friends with Jack

Should Jack wish to send me complementary tickets to his next tour……Of course, I wouldn’t be able to go but I’m sure I could find someone to make use of them…..

Although Mother still wouldn’t know a beam engine from a kettle……


Prison sentence

Today, Mother has been nursing for 31 years. On the plus side, as long as she continues to behave herself, she’s got a way of earning money for the foreseeable future. On the down side, the job has made her ill and she can’t wait to leave (878 days to go…..).

She’d have served less time if she’d have committed murder or other such heinous crime. And she would have been a kept woman – domestic fuel increases would have been insignificant, no mortgage, no car, earning just enough to buy a Kit-Kat by sewing mailbags…..

But she never would have met me……

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