Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for November, 2013

Bloody Incompetent

Mother has just been checking her November bank statement and it would seem that the September special duty payments owed to her have still not been paid. Mother thought that they had but she does need new glasses and probably didn’t look at the (very) mini statement properly. This is despite the promises that it would be in the bank account by the 7th November. Of course they did not specify which year…….

She has now not been paid properly since May. She is not alone – some fellow sufferers have been paid minuscule amounts that won’t cover their outgoings. Mother has a couple of solutions:

Don’t pay her but she will be taking two nights off, at random, during January. And she won’t tell you when she’s going to do it…

Mother says she will dust off her abacus and go and sort the wage office out.

On the positive side. Mother’s monthly mortgage is now so small that she didn’t pay anything for November. She’s pretty sure that the bank owes her money but given the trials and tribulations of getting paid properly she ain’t going down that route…..

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You’re kidding

Mother has found yet another sign which causes concern. This time it is on the Co-op car park in the village. It says “parent and child parking only in marked bays”. Lots of things to say about that:

Do they need to be in a car or just stand there? This is, of course, stretching the definition of ‘to park’ to mean ‘plonking yourself in a particular place for a considerable time, often annoying other people’.
Are they banned from parking anywhere else? If so, all the more spaces for people who have no ankle biters. Yippee.
Parent and child – does this mean that 52 year old Mother and 85 year old Granny can park there? Crafty buggers at Tesco have got round this by calling them ‘parent and toddler’ spaces. As Granny hasn’t been able to toddle for some time, Mother is a bit stuffed there.

All this pedantry is very tiring. Am off for my 27th lie down of the day…….

Alarming

Mother’s quest to rid the English language of stupid and/or pointless phrases continues. Remember ‘we make happy feet’?

A man who had fixed an anti-theft device to his vehicle was displaying a sticker saying ‘this car is alarmed’. What about? The rising cost of energy? British nurses getting paid less than virtually every other country in the Western Hemisphere? Whether the UK will be overrun by Romanian migrants? Having a car capable of sentient thought truly is a miracle – one which Mother thought was reserved for US television programmes.

It’s ‘this car has an alarm fitted’ you numpty.

The best place to be a nurse is Luxembourg. Apparently, they get paid 1.4 times British rates there.

Mother has actually been to Luxembourg. She can’t remember much about it.

What a scintillating place that must be then……

Toothfull

Mother has had the long awaited titanium post implanted in her gum. She now looks like she’s been bashed around the face a few times with a wet kipper. Not much fun for Mother and even less fun for the fish, I can assure you.

She has to be careful what she eats, and for a few days she has been on a soup diet. She can have anything soft basically. She has discovered that chocolate is the ideal food, because she can shove it up the other side of her mouth and wait for it to melt. This implant lark may be good for getting a realistic looking tooth which will still be pristine long after Time Team come and dig you up, but it’s a shit weight-loss system…….

Paid up

Mother had finally been paid the money owed to her by the Trust. Better late than never.

Mother is dreading November’s payslip, which will no doubt be longer than War and Peace. First, they will say that the money they have just paid her is an ‘advance payment’ when in fact it was her money all along. They will deduct this ‘advance’ from her November salary before paying the whole lot back again as an ‘amendment’. Then there may or may not be mileages on the thing, depending on whether the super duper new system has worked. Then the special duties she worked in October will be missed off due to a computer glitch (computers are only as good as the idiots who input the data……) Then she will get told off for implying that the people who work in payroll might be mentally deficient (which of course they aren’t ). They can be a bit rude and dismissive though….

She will come home with exactly £3.50 which will buy half a box of Royal Canin fish feast.

Don’t know what she’ll be eating for Christmas dinner……..

Dummy

Mother has taken the talking to inanimate objects to a new level. Not content with arguing with the self checkouts in supermarkets – “I’ve put the bloody thing in the bagging area…..” – she is now talking to the woman inside the lifts in Marks and Spencer.

This morning, she has had quite a chat with her as she announced each floor in a sing-song voice. Fortunately the lift was void of any other human beings which, rather bizarrely, Mother prefers not to talk to when they are sharing the same intimate space.

Anyone familiar with Jasper Carrott will know why. Mother is trying to avoid the vertical version of the nutter on the bus.

Am I the only one who thinks that Mother has become the ‘nutter in the lift’. Talking to several tons of reinforced steel whizzing up and down a concrete tube will do that to you……

Lots of miles to go

Yippee. Yesterday the new NHS mileage claim system went live. Now Mother just needs to be paid for the special duties she worked in September and we might be able to eat meat again……

As you would expect from anything to do with the NHS, the system does seem a bit mean when it comes to working out the miles from the postcodes entered. Mother reckons she would have lost about £10.00 if she hadn’t amended the figures. Just because the organisation is several millions pounds in the red doesn’t mean that they have to pinch it from Mother’s pay packet.

Talking of money, the ‘Trusts can only have extra funding if 75% of the staff have the flu jab’ campaign continues. Now they are coming to the workplace to see if they can catch you.

Try to sneak up on Mother with a needle and you are likely to have the bastard thing poked in your eye…….

You have been warned……

 

 

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