Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for October, 2013

The eyes have it

Katherine Jenkins, she of the warble and the ever so slightly plastic smile, says she sleeps with her eyes open. Apparently, this is called ‘lagopthalmos’.

It’s no great trick. Cats do it all the time.

Mother also says that she did it during her nurse training when a guy called Norman was lecturing.

And she wonders why she knows so little about the human kidney……..


What bright side??

I don’t like to brag, but who was it who said that Mother’s missing money would not appear in her bank account yesterday? Don’t these pesky varmints know she has gob work to pay for??

Speaking of which, infection has gone and implant is set for 18th November.

On a different note, my quest to discover every strange thing people ask a district nurse to do continues. Over the weekend Mother’s colleague was asked to clean up a shit explosion in a house because the patient didn’t want to ask his daughter to do it. The patient was OK, he just needed a cleaner. What next? Crime scene clean up on behalf of the Police? Don’t know which is worse.

And Aunty Trace has been asked to go to Tesco’s at 0300 to buy bananas. She then had an on call doctor asking her why she refused.

Nurses don’t expect a doctor to go to a patient’s house to turn a light off so don’t ask them to run errands……..

Money Matters

In an effort to ‘always be at home to Mr Cock-Up’ the people responsible for Mother’s pay have conveniently forgotten to include her special duty payments this month, leaving her about £300 short. She is not to feel special, however, because it would appear that they have done it to everybody else as well. One small cock-up for man, one giant cock-up for the organisation (thanks to Neil Armstrong there).

See, honesty is not the best policy. If she had not owned up to the overpayment a few months back, it wouldn’t have mattered. Mother figures that she has not been paid properly since May. She is now learning forensic accounting – keeping a very close eye on what she’s owed.

Anyway, apparently the jolly little fellows in wages are running a supplementary payroll and all should be well very soon.

I am laughing so hard at that suggestion, my sides have just burst…………..

Clowning around

In today’s paper, a circus has been made to take down posters for an upcoming performance because a member of the public has complained. She has ‘coulrophobia’, which, for the uninitiated, is a fear of clowns. She says she was terrified each time she drove past one of the posters. Take a different route then, you soft mare.

Mother has a fear and loathing of work. Will somebody take the Health Centre down please?……

Stitch in time

Mother has been to the dentist to see if he could find the irritating little sod of a piece of bone which is stopping her gum healing. Two injections and an excavation which would put Time Team to shame later, he thinks he may have removed it.

Wouldn’t have thought that summat so small could cause so much trouble.

Unless it’s me, of course…..

Tea leaf

I got into the biggest trouble yesterday. Mother had made an open sandwich, put it on the coffee table thingy and I pinched the ham off it. I was merrily chomping away on it when she caught me. No use saying ‘I didn’t do it Guv’ when there’s half a slice of meat hanging out of your gob.

In my defence, she shouldn’t have put it within my reach. One whiff of cured pig and I’m anybody’s. Well I am an obligate carnivore after all……

Mother says I’m a thief. I say I’m pretty resourceful. And with my good looks and charm it didn’t take her long to forgive me.
Until next time……..

Posh Buggers

Mother has been thoughtising her opinions on amalgamated words since she found out that they are officially called ‘portmanteaus’ – which is something to do with a door and a coat in French, but which I feel is probably the definition of a chap who’s stubbed his pedal digit following too much fortified wine.

I have subtly reminderised her that this very communication is a result of the blending of two words (web + log), and that many other common words such as ‘smog’ (smoke + fog); ‘motel’ (motor + hotel) and ‘liger’ (lion + tiger) are used today. She still doesn’t like it – in fact it makes her quite ‘frumious’ (fuming + furious).

Which leads me to the fashionising of ‘jackapoos’; ‘cockapoos’ and ‘goldendoodles’. People pay a lot of money for these designer dogs.

Don’t know why. They’re only mongrels…….

Just calling a spade a spade………..



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