Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for September, 2013

The wanderer returns

After two years in the wilderness during which she was probably searching for the meaning of life, Saffy (the cat of one of mother’s patients) has returned home. Found in a garage with a bad paw, taken to a vet, scanned and reunited. Everyone is dead chuffed, especially those dedicated night staff who went out looking for her even when they weren’t on duty.

I’m chipped. And GPS’d. I couldn’t escape if I wanted to.

But I don’t. I know which side my bread’s buttered……..



Mother has had the remainder of her broken tooth removed today and now has a false one stuck (very expertly one assumes) onto a piece of plastic. The dentist did say that  Mother would only put it in when she went out, and so far he’s right. It’s now languishing in a plastic pot in the kitchen. It’s also left her with a speech impediment which the dentist says will go when her ‘tongue gets used to the fake teeth’. 

In a few weeks she will have a hole drilled into her gum and a piece of titanium screwed into it. 

Bet it still won’t shut her up though…….

Going mental

Tesco and Asda have had to withdraw Halloween outfits of ‘Zombies’ which were christened ‘Mental Patient’. Much offence has been taken by people with mental illnesses.

Mother has a mental illness. Made a lot worse when she puts an NHS uniform on.

So I guess we know how she will be dressed for Trick or Treating then……

Still learning

Today, Mother has been to the university for ‘student nurse mentor update’ training. See, you’re yawning already…..

What has she learned?

There is an awful lot of paperwork to be completed which will probably stop you doing any real work for several days

Medical students (bless ’em)  may be intelligent but they have no common sense. Let’s all stand in a corridor and completely block access for anybody else.

Us mere nurses will get our own back when you come on our wards. We will make your lives hell.

Be afraid. Be very afraid

In a bit of a jam

All this week, the Daily Mail is giving away How to Make Jam Recipe Cards. The pedant in me wants to point out that this statement can be taken two ways. 

‘How to make jam’ recipe cards teaches people how to produce delicious preserves with any spare damsons they may have left over

‘How to make jam recipe cards’ teaches people to take the instructions on how to prepare said jam, type them out and laminate them to give away to other like-minded preserve creating friends.

It really shouldn’t bother me. I don’t like jam. But you would think that the people at Daily Mail HQ would have a bit more pride in their work…….


Remotely interesting

According to yesterday’s paper, there are at least 50 different names for the TV remote control, such as the thingimajig or the doofer. Somebody out there even calls it ‘Trevor’.

Around these here parts, it is known as ‘the cat pillow’. I just love resting my head on it. Every night, just as Mother settles down to watch something which is likely to be non-educational and insignificant, she has to prise my head of the necessary item. Uncle Andy says that she should have saved the remote from the TV that blew up just for me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Besides, that’s wouldn’t be half as much fun as controlling which channels we watch.

Just like the man of the house…….

Teething problems

Yesterday morning, Mother got up to find that a crown on her front tooth was loose and it came away in her hand. It was 26 years old so owes her nowt. She can remember when she had it. She was a student nurse putting a patient in the bath, she sneezed, the temporary crown flew out, hit the patient on the face and disappeared into the bath water….

Anyway to replace said crown requires major constructive work on her gob which is going to take at least three months and will cost somewhere between £1000 and £2000. Good job she has a contingency fund and the dentist does interest free credit.

The good news is that she can now whistle. But only when she says words beginning with ‘F’……

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