Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for July, 2013

Who you calling stupid?

Mother has rung BT today to report the phone. Got put through to India, regrettably couldn’t understand a word but she thinks she has booked a service call , which will cost £99 if the fault is found to be in the house and not outside. Mother says that they can f@@@ off – it isn’t her fault that their stupid pole can’t withstand an explosion!! It has fried the telly, the router and the phones – she says she’s paid enough out to fix them.

When you ring BT and are waiting in an interminable queue they tell you that if you like you can go onto the Internet to log your problem. NO I BLOODY CAN’T. It’s been incinerated. It is kaput. That parrot has fallen off it’s perch.

Thank God for the iPhone. But have you tried doing anything complicated on it? You need to put it under a microscope to see it….

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The Big Bang

At 0545 this morning, Mother was awoken by a great bang, like a plane had crashed into the house. Lightening had taken out a BT junction box, arked to several TV aerials and wrecked the house opposite. It has fried our TV, phones, Internet router and knackered our burglar alarm which rang incessantly until Uncle Andy could come and shut the bastard thing off. It also scared the shit out of me.

No-one hurt which is a blessing, but the poor woman opposite had to go to A & E after she was roused from slumber when a lump of plasterboard fell on her head.

Mother is quite rightly pissed of at having to get a new TV when the excess on the insurance doesn’t make it worth claiming for it.

Granny says in her day they would have amused themselves with a piece of string and a marble. Would have cost a lot less to replace ….

Sprog Alert

Well, the royal sprog has arrived and everyone is fit and well. Auntie Julia had a dream that it would be a girl called Elizabeth, but instead we have a boy which they will probably call Malcolm. Or Kevin. Of course, they could call him Elizabeth but he will get a few strange looks when he enlists in the army in 20 years time.

Mother was wondering if she might get called upon for babysitting duties. Perhaps not as this would be the quickest way to imprisonment in the Tower, especially if she let the sproglet bounce along the fast lane of the M6 in his shiny new pram. You will have gathered by now that not only does she not really like kids, she admits that she doesn’t know one end from the other and would probably be caught trying to put a nappy over his face.

Mind you, with the several years free supply of Pampers they’re gonna get, you could probably afford to make a few mistakes like that…….

Can’t stand the heat

I cannot cope with all the recent heat. I don’t know what to do with myself. I think I’d lie in the fridge but Mother says I’d suffocate.

Mother has just returned from London where she went to see a Proms concert. She says that this is another thing to be crossed off the bucket list. It was red hot in the Royal Albert Hall – Mother and Auntie Julia nearly melted – but they survived long enough to go ‘up the Shard’ yesterday. To the 72nd floor. Not bad for someone who is scared of heights.

Mother says that nearly everybody in London has no manners. Either that or the invisibility pills she occasionally takes have started working again. London was also full of Italians – most of Rome was probably trolling around Westminster.

Auntie Julia went into Harrods and was thoroughly intimidated by the sales assistants who looked like they’d just stepped out of a modelling competition.

I reckon they all had ice packs in their knickers to keep ’em cool…..

Milk of human kindness

Kev the milkman has been put on notice to stop whistling before 0800. Apparently, people on his round had complained to the dairy.

He doesn’t see what harm he is doing by whistling (and sometimes singing) a series of hits and songs from the shows.

Mother could tell him. Whistling, humming and singing out of key get on Mother’s single intact nerve. She is so distressed by it that, at times, she could quite easily knife the offender and get away with on the grounds of diminished responsibility. This, of course, is the last resort after she has asked them nicely to stop, fidgeted quite a bit, started to grind her teeth and finally shouted ‘shut the f**k up’ at the offender.

Note to Kev. Some people cannot stand the seemingly innocuous whistle. Stop it.

Or if you choose to persist, don’t come anywhere near a woman with access to knives…….

Computer sez

We’ve all heard of the dozy dates who follow their sat-nav instructions and drive into a canal. We have all probably said that they deserve it because they should use their common sense and stop before they get their feet wet. When we hear ‘the computer told me to do it’ under these circumstances we have a good laugh and wonder how much extra car insurance they will have to pay.

In the paper today is a story of a woman who’s husband rang for an ambulance because she was in agony. The call was triaged by an operative who asked lots of questions before declaring that the computer suggested that she didn’t need an ambulance and she should see her GP. This is despite the woman screaming in agony in the background. She died of a massive infarction before she could be seen.

Apparently the operative had a ‘gut instinct’ to over-ride the decision but didn’t, for whatever reason. Computers are great but cannot take the place of the thing that sits inside the round bony bit on top of your shoulders.

Now a woman is dead and an NHS operative will have that on their conscience for the rest of their life.

All of a sudden accidentally driving your car into a canal doesn’t seem so hilarious……..

The Light Fantastic

Mother has just finished her run of night shifts, based in an office which, at 30 degrees, is warmer than Russian shot putter’s armpit. She has lost three stone in sweat. In fact, she is merely a puddle on the floor…..

In the course of travelling the 260 odd miles she has had to drive for work, she has been contemplating some of the universal rules of Community Nursing in the dark.

Despite the fact that people have actually contacted you to ask for a visit, they still look surprised when they answer the door.

Despite the fact that you are wearing a very unflattering uniform and carrying an ID badge, people still say ‘are you the nurse?’ when they do come to the door. Mother has to resist the temptation to declare that she is a vampire looking for a drink….

Despite the fact that you reside in a very dark street and lots of houses look the same as yours, people rarely think to put a light on to indicate where they live. This has lead to Mother often getting out of the car and wandering up and down drives trying to look for house numbers. She is a moron. She could get killed doing that at 3 in the morning.

And then who would feed me?….

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