Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for June, 2013

Feet

Mother has been to Pavers shoe shop today to get (believe or not) some new shoes. It would have been a bit odd if she had gone for half a pound of tripe wouldn’t it??

Their slogan is ‘We make happy feet’. Mother would like to respectfully point out that ‘No you bloody don’t…’ You haven’t got a foot factory somewhere which churns out laughing ligaments and merry metatarsals….

You make feet happy. Who was the ignorant bugger who decided that you should adopt a slogan which is not grammatically correct then print it on every bag you produce and slap it on the walls of all your shops? Mother says sack ’em.

Then she would be happy all over, not just from the ground up….

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Wages

Mother has been overpaid by £493.00 this month. Somebody has recorded that she has worked 28.5 hours extra hours. This is 3 night shifts. Obviously somebody doesn’t know Mother very well. They could pull her fingernails out with pliers and she still wouldn’t be at work any longer than she really has to.

She has owned up and given it back. I rather wanted her to keep it and spend it on me but her integrity is obviously greater than mine…….

Bad to hearse

Questions you always wanted to know the answer to number 1.

Do hearses have speed limiters or does the driver just have a very well controlled right foot? What happens if he coughs or sneezes on his way to a funeral? Does the hearse lurch forward in an unprofessional undertaker type of way? Do they race down the A500 at 70mph on the way back??

Please get me the answers to this or I won’t sleep tonight……

Acronyms

Another large turd has landed on the ever growing dung-heap of my life. I have an STD. Which, coming on top of my GPS nightmare is making me rather wary of three letter acronyms.

Before you filthy minded people get thinking that I am a loose cat, I have chlamydia in my eyes. Quite common apparently. They started watering two days ago and Mother dragged me off to the vet again. He stuck some fluorescent drops in my eyes, and now I look like a psychedelic Adam Ant.

And I shat meself in the carrier again. Another bath. Another soggy cat.

So, it’s two weeks worth of antibiotics and eye ointment. You should see the size of the pills – they look like a small plate…

Mother has dropped the idea of having a Middle Eastern virus. As she gets considerably worse when she goes outside she thinks it’s hayfever. Eminently more treatable and less deadly.

Better let the CDC know……..

Who you callin’ common?

Mother has decided that the reason for her recent respiratory distress should be put down to Middle East Respiratory Syndrome. She argues that the recurrence of her symptoms must be down to something more than the common cold. Besides, she tells everybody, she ain’t common…..

This thing gives you a fever (had one of them); a cough lasting for several days (still got one of them) and then you get pneumonia (no sign of that yet but there is still time).

The fly in this particular ointment is that you need to have been in close proximity to a goat or a camel to catch it ……

Not a lot of them in the back yard ……

GPS (Goodbye to Puss’ Secrecy)

It’s happened. The bloody GPS thingy has arrived and is now firmly secured around my neck.

Mother did a trial run of finding it when she hid it in a cupboard but since she already knew where it was I thought that was a bit pointless. At least she didn’t try to put me in the cupboard with it!

The bastard thing beeps like a demented pigeon on acid. She has even bought some waterproof covers for it so I can’t even dangle it in a puddle by accident.

I am a marked cat…..

Warbling

Mother has been to Nottingham tonight with Auntie Jan-Jan to see Josh Groban in concert. This is despite her having a temperature of 38.7 yesterday and a cough which would put a chain smoker to shame.

Since she got in, she has regaled me with several choruses of ‘You Raise Me Up’ but the only thing she has successfully managed to raise has been my blood pressure.

Auntie Jan-Jan says that Josh has got a good pair of lungs on him but for the sake of my sanity perhaps I should beg him to use them exclusively for breathing. Just until Mother has got this warbling lark out of her system……..

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