Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for May, 2013


Mother would like to thank all those who wished her a happy birthday today, either in person, by email, card or via my Facebook page. A good time has been had by all today.

It is now 1096 days to retirement. It would be 1095 but 2016 is a sodding leap year. That’s 26, 306 hours, if you count the remainder of today.

When she can be arsed, Mother is going to calculate how many hours she still has left to work. She is then going to put a countdown on the office wall to piss everybody off……


Your life, their hands

On the news today was a report which says that you really should not have your operation on a Friday. You stand more chance of dying apparently. If you add this to the fact that you shouldn’t get ill overnight because you might not get to see a doctor; you should stay fit at weekends because all the senior doctors may be on a golf course; Mondays aren’t good because everybody’s too busy mopping up after the weekend; Thursday afternoons are out because GPs are shut; Wednesday afternoons are sometimes allocated for staff training; A & E is so over-run you can’t move and paramedics are stuck in a queue at A & E, Mother reckons there is a small window of opportunity at 3pm on a Tuesday………

As long as you can make your way to hospital on a pogo stick…..

Champagne Charlie

Sainsbury’s has announced that it is to stock very expensive champagne in a few of its stores. Chosen areas include Nantwich, Chester and a small town near us. They must think the clientele can afford it. Mother is sure that the good folk of Chester and Nantwich are rolling in it, but that a lot of people round here wouldn’t know a good bottle of champagne if it jumped up and bit ’em. This stuff costs £130 a bottle. For that you can buy a house here. I am not joking. You could also renovate it and decorate it and still have £5 left over…..

It didn’t go swimmingly then?

According to the news yesterday, many kids are leaving primary school without being able to swim. The excuse head teachers give for this is that teaching English and Maths is compulsory and they haven’t got any time left for frolicking in the local pool. They also say that they haven’t got the money to transport the little dears. As always, I have some suggestions:

1. Make the school day two hours longer.
2. Make the holidays five weeks a year shorter
3. Make the little darlings walk to the swimming lessons. A good route march never did anybody any harm..
4. Buy waterproof books

I don’t know why they are harping on so much about teaching English. Given that the reading age of a grown up in the UK is nine, they haven’t been that successful in the last 20 odd years.

Mother can’t swim. She did, however, have a reading age of 16 before she left primary school and figures that she would rather be literate than piscine.

She might have been able to swim if it hadn’t have been for the bitch of a PE teacher who kept waving a sodding pole in front of her nose. If somebody is afraid of water it’s no good tempting them into the deep end with a bit of 2 x 4.

What they really need is a raft……..

And they call me an animal……

Some days I am glad that I am a cat. I often have a stand off with the neighbourhood cats, I have been known to get into the odd fight and I can caterwaul with the best of them but I have never hated anyone or anything so much that I feel the need to ambush them and try to cut them to shreds. OK, there was a time when I was younger when I would irritate the odd mouse, but this pales into insignificance when you compare it to the behaviour of those evil bastards in Woolwich yesterday. I act on instinct not hatred. I don’t despise any particular type of mouse and I don’t sit and plan the attack for days, then ask Mother to record my celebration on her mobile phone when I’ve finished.

Sometimes, you humans are just shite…..

Another day…….

……..another bloody survey

This one says that you smile more when you are over 55. Mother says that she will be grinning like a Cheshire Cat, especially when the pension fund kicks in…..

This study was undertaken by the British Dental Health Foundation. Personally, I am surprised that the over 55s have enough teeth to make a decent smile, but the Queen Mother had just one good tooth when she was 104 and it never stopped her. Of course, that could’ve been the gin……

Who’d have guessed that Oral B have a ‘Smile Director’. Perhaps the NHS should have a Manager of Misery. They aren’t going to have much call for a ‘Smile Director’ as there always seems very little to smirk about……

Busy Doin’ Nothin’

Last night, Mother returned from a trip to Heathrow Airport. Part of the M6 was down to one lane to ‘protect the men working in the road’.

What a laugh. Mother travelled at least five miles and saw two men in the road. When we say in the road, we mean leaning up against a barrier. Nowhere near the road. I’d say they were pretty safe. As far as mending the road goes, they might have well rung it in from home……

It took 45 minutes to get through this particular Highways Agency fiasco. Mother reckons that they shouldn’t be allowed to shut any road unless there are at least 30 men working on it. And just for a bit of fun, motorists should be able to use them for target practice……

Bet that’d get the buggers movin!!!.

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