Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for October, 2012

It’s not just policemen

Mother went to a concert on Sunday to see a world famous violinist fiddle about. This chap plays a Stradivarius violin which is nearly 300 years old and is valued at £4 million. And Mother is worried about the cost of her upcoming car insurance………..

At the interval, an elderly lady leaned forward and asked Mother ‘How old is the boy?’

Joshua Bell is 45 years old. He obviously has a picture in an attic somewhere……………

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Reality bites

Mother caught the end of the X Factor yesterday and has decided that either the whole thing is a fix or the Great British Public are barmy. The bloke who is as camp as a row of frilly pink tents can’t sing. I sound better than that. If Mother let me out at night, I be on that fence mewling away and the neighbours would find out just how wonderful I can be……..

Mother really doesn’t go a bundle for reality TV. She only saw it because she’d switched on for Downton. Every nurse worth his/her salt could have predicted what was going on there as soon as the words ‘my ankles are swollen’ was uttered by a very heavily pregnant woman.

Am off now to practise for my appearance on The Cat Factor……………

Don’t expect me to acknowledge you when I’m famous……….

More terms to confuse me

I wonder what a ‘bed management’ system is? Similar to any other management system I suppose, where you have to review their performance on an annual basis. ‘Well, Mr Bed. You have successfully managed to prevent anyone falling out of you, but your hydraulics are shit and don’t get me started on the brakes. Your goal for next year is to get at least 50% more arses to land on top of you, and if patients stay too long, you have my permission to annoy them with squeaky springs and vile smells until they get the hint’.

In a similar vein, what does a ‘bed manager’ do apart from monitor performance? Decide whether to go with the 4-4-2 formation or stick with the tried and tested ‘Flo’ model of lining them all up against a wall?

And what does it mean when they say ‘we’ve got beds, but in the wrong place’? I assume that these beds are in the building somewhere – it’s not like they’ve just decided to trek up Snowdon. Just shift the buggers and put them in the right place. And does having a ‘bed manager’ together with his trusty system stop nurses telling fibs about having an empty bed because they know that within 30 seconds flat somebody will be in it who’ll generate three trees worth of paperwork and the staff won’t get their tea break?

No, I thought not………

Shit still happens

I have been poorly. Bathroom looked like an explosion in a shit factory this morning. Mother not too impressed. She fed me nowt but dried food yesterday and was hoping for an improvement in the consistency of my pooh. She thinks she’s got it tough – I’m not too impressed about the state of affairs either.

Off to the vets for an injection of steroids. He says that my predicament may be down to stress and asked what might be worrying me. Mother says God knows. It could be the new cats we’ve had in the neighbourhood recently. Also, I am slightly concerned about the state of the NHS and have been pondering the solution to the Greek debt question……

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