Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for September, 2012


Mother is forever searching for ways to improve her knowledge. She has just watched the first ten minutes of a film about Alexander the Great, Conqueror of Persia, invader of India, Pharaoh of Egypt and all round big-head. And bugger me, she found out that he was Irish. In fact, all his mates were Irish as well. Everybody he went to school with was Irish. And his mother was Angelina Jolie with a crap accent.

Mother is sure that the real Alexander would have spoken nothing but Greek, however, let’s assume that because people in Greece can no longer afford to go to the pictures, the film would have made 17 drachma unless it was made in English. She would have expected the lead in this film to get rid of his Irish accent instead of forcing everybody else to adopt the brogue. Belief was suspended when she heard the words ‘Begorrah, summon the feckin’ armies boyo’, and she switched off.

Have you also noticed that Michael Caine sounds the same in every film he’s in? Always on the verge of blowing the bloody doors off…………


Wot’s one of them??

Mother has been driving past an establishment today which is advertising a ‘Nearly New Baby Sale’. The mind boggles. Is this a variation on the theme of adoption? You just stroll in and buy the one you like. Or is it where you take the baby that just doesn’t match your lifestyle any more? Let’s face it, red hair doesn’t go with your green curtains. And if they’ve just puked all over your designer jeans, then they deserve to be sent back. I’d get whatever money you can for them if I were you…..

How old does one have to be before you cease to be ‘nearly new’? How long will it be before charitable institutions stop   collecting your old clothes and ask for your offspring instead? How much do you think you can get for a child that’s had one careful owner? Is it going to be just like Battersea Dogs and Cats Home without the fur and four legs?

Do these people know what they’ve started? Every time Mother goes past that shop now, she will be itching to go in and tell them their sign is crap….

She has also seen a vehicle today with ‘Fred’s delivery’s’ emblazoned all over it. Now it is OK to be a complete ignoramus in your own home, but you really shouldn’t confirm that fact to the nation by driving around and advertising it. Who spell checks these idiots who write signs on vans?………



Pieces of eight

Apparently, today has been World ‘Talk like a pirate’ day. Mother said that she wouldn’t take part unless somebody sent Johnny Depp round as a dialect coach……

On a more serious note. following the incident in Manchester yesterday, I think that some humans are truly evil. I also worry about my mum, as she goes to visit people she doesn’t know in the middle of the night on her own. Anything could happen to her. I’d really miss her if she went away. I always like it when I know she’s come in at the end of her shift, although this afternoon she snuck in, put the shopping away, put the rubbish out and had to stand at the end of the bed shouting me for ten minutes before I even woke up.

She says I’m getting deaf. Next she’ll be getting me a hearing aid……

Auntie Hilda had several she didn’t use. Wonder if they’re still about somewhere….




Wild geese

Mother is sick of being sent on undomesticated avian chases this week. Yesterday, she turned up for training at a local hospital, asked which room she was to go to, to be met with a shrugging of shoulders and a ‘nobody tells me anything’ look. Fortunately, she was able to deduce where she was supposed to go. Today, she has been to another hospital, to find that the meeting had been moved to a venue which is about 15 miles away from the place she was at.

She gave up at this point and went shopping in B & M………..


Is it possible for there to be just too much excitement in Mother’s life?? Whilst taking dog for a walk this afternoon, she heard the familiar ‘nee-naw’ sound of an emergency vehicle. She was a bit disappointed waiting for the Doppler effect as it sped off on its merry way cus a ruddy great fire engine turned into Granny’s street! First thought was ‘I’ve only been gone ten minutes, what catastrophe could have befallen Granny in that short space of time?’ Then she looked for the flames billowing out of anybody’s house. When that failed, she decided to give Dog just that little bit extra time to have a wee, and stood gawping.

Two appliances, several hunky firemen (and one that looked a little bit past it) in response to a kitchen fire in the house across the way from Granny’s. These are the people who insist on blocking off Granny’s drive with their car. Not that they should be repaid by the raining down of fire. Thankfully, no one was injured and the house is still upright.

A few weeks ago, everyone in Granny’s street got a letter from the Council threatening action if they didn’t start to park more considerately – in particular asking them to stop blocking drives and double parking in case the nee-naws wanted to get through. Now they’ve been in need of a speedy response from the emergency services, perhaps Granny’s neighbours will grow a brain and stop abandoning their car opposite our gates……..

Brains Trust

Some of you may remember Mother expressing dismay at the educated people in M & S who couldn’t work out where to put the coin in the trolleys. This has been surpassed by Mother’s observation that some women now cannot work out how to use the hand drying machine in the loo. Yesterday, some rather well dressed woman spent 30 seconds looking for the button to press when there wasn’t one. This poor individual looked around the machine, messed about with the outflow thing by pulling it up and down before finally walking out with wet hands.

Don’t complain, at least she washed them, instead of doing the Granny special – flashing your hands under the tap. Obviously the water that Granny uses has special anti-bacterial properties…………Granny, of course, doesn’t worry about drying machines – she wipes her hands on anti-bacterial impregnated bog roll before spending ages getting rid of the bits of disintegrated tissue from her hands……………..

Last week, two women spent ages staring at the car parking machine in town working out where to put the money. Are machines getting more sophisticated or are people just thick?


Padding it out

Mother has noticed the tendency for some people (usually of an Australian extraction) to carry round ipads with them. She thinks that this is a rather strange thing to do. It isn’t like it’s inconspicuous. It won’t fit in an averaged sized handbag and you can’t shove it in your pocket.  You can shove it under your arm,  but why would you want to treat £400 worth of equipment like a copy of the Daily Mirror?

Mother thinks that these people are having a bad case of  ‘look what I’ve got’ syndrome. Which could soon be followed by the ‘look what I haven’t got’ syndrome when somebody nicks it……

That’s what you get for stopping out in the sun for too long. You lose your judgement. We should all be grateful that we live under perpetual cloud…………

Makes you long for the days when the definition of a pad was lots of pieces of paper stuck together.

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