Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for August, 2012

Shit happens

I have just had a pooh in my box, and managed to get some of  it halfway up my leg. Fast as lightning, Her Indoors whipped me off the floor, into the sink, and before I knew it, she was covering my back legs with some smelly stuff called soap. I fought valiantly but she won. I now have two very soggy back paws and am walking in a very strange way (using the famous step-shake yer leg-step technique). If I was human they’d think I’d wet myself.

If I was human, I probably wouldn’t have got shit down my leg…………

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Don’t believe the hype

Mother has just seen an advert on telly where this bird wears Chanel Mademoiselle perfume and this makes men get the urge to do naughty things.

DO NOT BELIEVE IT PEOPLE. Mother wears this perfume and has yet to have men falling at her feet. Unless they trip over their shoelaces…….

Called to the bar

Tesco has had the bright idea of e mailing your Clubcard vouchers instead of posting them. The monetary ones  are OK, but the little ‘extras’ (3 million points if you buy a box of Dairylea Cheese Wedges), have no bar code, resulting in a sharp intake of breath at the till, and great disappointment when you realise that, unless you are prepared to queue up at customer services for 3 days, you will never see the points again.

Mother has complained to Tesco HQ as she feels that this is a cunning ploy to defraud the nation of what’s rightfully theirs. They’ve e mailed to say they have been trying to ring her to discuss it. This is one stage further than she got with the BBC when she asked for 16 days of her licence fee back.

Next week we start the Channel 4 boycott during the paralympics. No hardship. There’s f*** all worth watching on Channel 4 at the best of times…..

It’s that time again

Yesterday, I went to the vets to get my booster. It was a very nice locum vet lady from Australia who said that her own cat had been stuck up a gum tree. A brave bloke type person had to climb up to get it. Would this not result in somebody else being stuck in the gum? I imagine that in Australia there are lots of trees with objects stuck in them. It’s no wonder the boomerang won’t come back……It’s probably why Rolf Harris ended up over here. He got a bit fed up of wiping the sticky stuff from his possessions.

Anyway, I am quite healthy, apart from taking things a little too literally……..

Dangerous to know

A local woman has been ‘mauled’ by a domestic cat. She is now calling for a ‘Dangerous Cat Act’. What bollocks. It’s not like you’re sharing your street with a hungry lion, liable to pounce on you at any moment and eat your head. I am about 2 feet long (full stretch on the carpet) and weight 4.5kg. If I had a desire to attack you (which I don’t), what chance have I got against a 50-70kg person?

In another local story, some idiot has also been ‘attacked’ by his  cat. So he hit it with an iron bar. And killed it. Evil bastard…..Mother would dearly love to hit him with an iron bar. Many, many times………

In other news, 51% of 16 year olds in the city can officially read, write and add up. I want to know what the other 49% are doing…………

While you were out

Royal Mail has come up with the bright idea of leaving parcels with neighbours if you are out when they call. Mother feels that this will give them the opportunity to play ‘knock and run off’ with even more people than they do now.

Mother will not be awfully chuffed if they attempt to leave a neighbour’s parcel at our house when she is in bed. Knowing her luck, they will choose this time to knock on the door hard enough to wake the dead. What is it about postmen? When you’re awake and not otherwise disposed, they tap on the door and bugger off. When you’re in bed, they use a battering ram. How do they know? Do they have special sixth sense training?

We have all our parcels delivered to Granny’s. The postman knows that Granny is not very quick and leaves stuff in the greenhouse. Which leaks. Cue potential soggy parcels.

Could be worse. If they put ’em in the wheelie bin…….

 

On demand

Mother and I have adopted a little routine for bedtime. At about 11pm, I take myself of to my bedroom (the bathroom), have something to eat, have a wash, have a pee (and sometimes a pooh) and then retire for the night. Forget everything people have told you about cats wanting to perform their ablutions in private. Mother has to supervise mine. She sits on the toilet and waits for me to complete the routine. If I’m feeling particularly peevish, I make her wait for ages knowing she won’t get up and leave until the cycle is finished.

I also know she is astounded by the capacity of my bladder. If humans only went for a pee once a day, they would have bladders the size of a genetically modified pumpkin.  They would also wobble around like a weeble when it was full………

 

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