I would just like to reassure all my friends that I am indeed alive and well. There was a little blip last week, when Mother thought I looked a bit peaky and hoiked me off to the vets. Turns out I was probably unaccustomed to the heat. Mother should have read that Heatwave plan – there must have been something about cats in there somewhere…..
The vet upset me – she said I should have a ‘geriatric blood test’. The cheek of it…….
Granny has enrolled in her new doctors. Oh if they only knew what they have let themselves in for.
Mother is off for Basic Life Support training tomorrow. 2 hours of sleepwalking through CPR whilst singing a medley of Bee Gees songs. ‘Staying Alive?’ I ask you. Could it get more corny? I suppose they do it that way so that Joe Public can remember. What if they get the wrong song? ‘How deep is your love’ is neither use nor ornament……..
Could be worse though. 4’33” of silence anyone?……..
Yet another shopping trip with Granny. Waiting for the single working lift in Marks and Sparks in an attempt to get to the fifth floor. Granny hovering outside the lift doors getting nervous. If she doesn’t get into the lift the minute the doors open, everyone will be doomed to wander the aisles forever. Stuck with members of the M & S social club who stand in the way discussing the price of turnips. Like some sort of retail purgatory. Mother thinks that they should have an equivalent of an Olympic lane for people who have a life…….
Anyway, Granny counts down the floors – 3…..2…..1…….go. Without waiting for the people in the lift to get off…..A woman who claims that she can’t stand up for longer than two minutes at a time is now forcing her way into a small metal box, while half a dozen people are trying to come in the opposite direction.
Our M & S has introduced trolleys which take pound coins. Elf and Safety apparently. Now you would have thought that M & S would have a more intelligent clientèle, but the first week of the new system caused havoc, with loads of posh people wondering how to get their money back. Obviously, they’d left their brains in a bucket at home……..
Today is my berfday. I am 14 years old. Mother thinks that it is disgusting that I should get to this great age without being able to spell. I say that it is an indictment on the current edukashunal sistem.
Being 14 doesn’t bring any great perks with it, so I am happy to say that I feel no different than I did yesterday, when I was 13 and 365 days (remember the leap year people….)
The TV upstairs is kaput. Well, it still works as long as all you want to look at is a blank, grey screen. Won’t come out of standby. Perhaps it’s heard about the wall to wall sport for the next three weeks and has decided it’s had enough. Nothing worth switching on for….
Anyway, thank you to my fans for their cards and best wishes. I’ve had 3 cards – 2 new ones and the one Mother has been lovingly recycling for the past 4 years.
Haven’t had a card off Dave. Would have been rather soggy by the time it got out of the tank……..He must know that I see him as a friend. Either that or a snack…………..
For those of you who can’t remember what a nice, sunshiny day looks like, here is a picture of me enjoying one. This was taken during the one day of summer. I am on next door’s garage roof. Why they have a garage, I don’t know – they never put the car in it. It does make a good sunbathing platform though……
Mother says that she is losing the war against our ivy – it is now finding its way into the garage despite her best efforts to remove it. She bets that when him next door attempts to get into his garage he will have to go in armed with a machete, a good torch and several days provisions………………
In fact, we may never see him again…………..
Apparently, the ‘Jet Stream’, responsible for all this wet weather, is moving north, bringing good weather to the south east. Great. It’s probably still going to piss down in the Midlands. See I told you that the Government ‘Heatwave Plan’ was a waste of time…..
Fortunately, Mother spent none of her precious life reading this crap. She was too busy knitting jumpers and wondering where she put the cagoule.
I have decided that it was a waste of time paying for a lovely new fish tank, when we could have put him in one of the waterlogged planters in the garden. However, he has now got used to his new abode – he spent a week sulking on the bottom, but is now swimming merrily and staring daggers at Mother when she refuses to feed him 30 times a day. See – I use ‘pester power’ when I want summat, it would seem that Dave would have to grow legs for that…………..
Mother has decided that she is going to boycott the Olympic games. As a card carrying, rabid, anti-sport campaigner she feels that it is her duty so to do. Competitive sport should be banned in order to protect the psyche of little, fat people who can’t run. Mother was scarred for life by school PE lessons…………..
In order to achieve this goal, she has determined that she is going to have to stop watching the BBC for the three weeks. They do not have contingency plans for those who are allergic to all things which cause their participants to break out in a sweat (in a jog around the block sort of way, you dirty minded people).
Would somebody mind pointing out to me, what is the point of a triple jump? I can just about work out why you would want to run a marathon in order to escape the marauding hordes, but why you would want to do it when somebody isn’t chasing your arse is beyond me.
And now that David Beckham is having one big sulk at not being chosen to play for GB (well at 37 what does he expect, he’s virtually ancient), perhaps he can spend three weeks colouring in all those ridiculous tattoos with a cheap packet of felt pens. He gets extra points if he stays within the lines……………
Granny is changing doctors – the old one is a bit too far away from where she lives. She has a form to fill in, which Mother was doing earlier:
Q: ‘How would you describe your current state of health’ – Granny ‘OK I suppose……’
Mother nearly fell off the chair.
For years, this woman has been telling anybody who’ll listen how ill she is. She is on the verge of death at least twice a week. Now she’s ‘OK’. When did that happen?
Mother had to resist the temptation to write ‘The surgery does not open enough hours for me to fully explain the extent of my varied and often lethal complaints and illnesses. I die at least once a month, and am then resuscitated by the administration of a glass of liver salts. I confound medical science. Please let me on your panel as I will be an extensive resource for medical students and will keep you in a job for at least another five years’.
Q: ‘How much exercise do you get?’ Unless they count opening and closing the eyelids, Mother would have to put ‘none’. Although, judging by the state of Granny’s new found health, perhaps we should put ‘In training for the 1500 metres’…….