Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for May, 2012

Decorating

Mother would like to thank all those who have posted birthday greetings on her ‘wall’. Now, if she could only persuade some of you to come round and decorate the real wall, that would be a result! 9 foot ceilings are a pig to reach. Only tall people need apply, which effectively excludes Auntie Jan who is four foot and a fag end……

She would have replied to you via the ‘wall’, but she doesn’t really know how to do it, and at the grand old age of 51 she figures that it is too late to start learning new tricks………

4 years to go. Or 3 years 364 days. Having that 3 in front just makes it feel that little bit closer, don’t you think……

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Jog On

Mother is celebrating her birthday tomorrow, which will mean that she is exactly 4 years from retirement. Bring it on…..

She is most upset that any cavorting she is planning to celebrate her big day will be made more difficult by the road closures caused by people jogging about the city carrying the equivalent of a giant match. For something called the ‘Olympics’. Mother hates sport. She says what with that and the Euro Football she is going to ask for a refund of her television licence.  Or pawn the telly…….

 

Phew…..

Well shouldn’t complain about the weather but I am going to. Am too hot. It’s all right for you humans, you can take your coat off. Mine is glued on……

Mother has been messing about in the garden, working on her red, white and blue theme for this year. Yesterday, she bought a Union flag. It’s only a small one, she isn’t about to put a 10 feet pole in the yard from which to hoist it. For the princely sum of 99p Mother thought she would push the boat out and be patriotic.

Anybody else think that the Russian Grannies should have won Eurovision? Old Tinglebert Pumpernickel nearly came last. At least he avoided the dreaded ‘nil points’. Mother is entering Granny in the competition next year – she will do something very similar to the ‘where’s me keys, where’s me phone’ effort from Britain’s Got Talent. Except it’ll be ‘ooh me back, ooh me knees’……….

I can smell victory already…………

Warming up

HM Government has just issued its ‘Heatwave Plan’ for 2012. This is to advise and guide healthcare and other professionals about what to do when the temperature in the UK goes above 25 degrees. This will happen for two and a half hours on 16th June. Then we’ll be back to the  ‘Snow Plan’, the ‘Piddling it down with Rain’ plan the ‘It’s so windy your knickers have blown off’ plan or ‘It’s so blasted cold that the snot has frozen up your nose’ plan.

The ‘Heatwave Plan’ is 47 pages long. Just as well, when it goes cold again it’ll give us something to burn to keep warm………..

Odd things to ask a district nurse to do – part 3

Over the weekend, Mother got a call to say somebody’s boiler was broken. Bet you didn’t know that Gas Council Registered Engineer was on Mother’s CV. That’s cus it isn’t. What Mother knows about gas is restricted to the type that comes out of your bum and makes obnoxious smells. Because Mother realised that she couldn’t fix it with a bandage and a couple of steristrips, the person was referred to the appropriate agency. All is now well with the world again. Until next time………

Does somebody care??

Mother has found some ‘Carer’s Packs’ at work, which have been provided for the army of good people who look after their relatives by a well known chain of High Street Chemists.

In said pack are things which are designed to make a carer’s life a bit better and let them feel pampered (quite right too, without these people the NHS and Social Care system would collapse under the strain). We have a small sample of cream for tired eyes,  some face cream for the boys, a bottle of  B vitamins and an empty blister pack for drugs.

So let’s get this straight. The message to carers is: you look like crap and the bags under your eyes are big enough to do a big shop at Sainsbury’s. We have provided you with some Vitamin B tablets just in case you’re a closet alcoholic who is inches away from hunting out a bottle of meths (vitamin B helps stop alcoholic brain rot). And just to tease you, we are giving you an empty drug container when what you really need is two paracetamol for the persistent headache from fighting with Social Services, some ibuprofen for your bad back and a few valium to allow you to get a good night’s sleep…………

10 out of 10 for effort though…………..

Grow your own

Saturday was Nurses’ Day – a time when people are supposed to show their appreciation of the profession by donating tea bags, coffee, chocolates and cake to a health centre/hospital of their choosing. Only kidding – National Nurses’ Day actually means f**k all. It is a bit of a shame that we need somebody to give us a special day to celebrate our existence. Firemen don’t have one – they could have theirs on Bonfire Night and kill two birds with one stone. You don’t get ‘National Plod Day’ to celebrate the police. Nurses’ Day is held on what would have been Flo’s birthday – a woman who spent the last 10 years of her career lounging in bed – probably as part of her extensive research into the development of pressure sores…

The Health Minister, a certain Mr Lansley, was very nearly been strung up at the Nurses’ Union Mega Meeting yesterday. This is because he was stupid enough to suggest that there are enough nurses about to shit the wonders and fart the miracles that the Government expects from them –  when we know that nurses are losing their jobs all over the place (apart from Mother who has tried to give hers away to no avail). Another, lower level, oik said that the Government is actually ‘creating’ nurses. Mother would like to know how ones goes about that. Do you grow them in test-tubes? Is there a ‘Frankenstein’ laboratory deep in the bowels of the Department of Health? Or do you just get a Nurse Tree from B & Q?…………..

So, for future reference Mr Ejit, if you were creating anything (which you’re not) it would be jobs, not people. And it shouldn’t have to take a cat to tell you that……………..

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