Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for April, 2012

No end to it

Mother has been shopping for Granny this afternoon. What started off as a short list gradually became the equivalent of the Ten Commandments. It took Granny so long to write it down that she may as well have been chiselling her requirements in stone. The only saving grace was that Mother didn’t have to climb a mountain to be given her instructions.

And there was no mention of not coveting thy neighbour’s ass…..



Are we related?

Granny’s inability to politely ask for things is getting worse. The other day, when asked if she would like something, she said ‘she’ll get it for me’ – meaning Mother. Unable to contain herself, Mother said what a shame it was that she had been in the family for nearly 51 years, and Granny still couldn’t recall who she was. This is without the onset of senility – if that happens Mother knows that it is highly likely that Granny will not be able to tell the difference between her daughter and a cabbage……………….

She might have difficulty getting a cabbage to push her around in that bloody wheelchair though………

2 + 2 = ?

Mother found out this week that she is now going to be subject to compulsory Maths tests. This is in addition (geddit) to the ‘can you take a pulse test’ which she had the pleasure of taking last year.

Mother is now beginning to wonder what other hoops she might have to jump through before she retires (four years, one month and 4 days to go). What about the ‘can you walk in a straight line’ test, which she fears that she may fail as she has absolutely no coordination whatsoever. Plus (aren’t I on form today?) there are times when a girl just has to turn a corner……..

Mother would like to see the ‘can you appropriately use an apostrophe’ test and the ‘did you know that the appalling language and grammar you use when writing in a patient’s notes can make you look like a right plonker’ test. Or the ‘can you make a good cup of tea’ test. Mother likes hers quite weak, but knows that opinions on this are divided!!!!

What about the ‘can you read an A-Z’ test? Sat Nav is all very well until it directs you into the canal.

Mother is sure that it won’t be long before she spends so much time doing compulsory training that she won’t get to see a patient at all…………..


Today we have said goodbye to Granny’s sister. Mother managed to quash Granny’s attempt to hog the limelight by arranging for her wheelchair to be taken to the cemetery. This meant that we didn’t have ‘oh, I can’t walk’, ‘oh I can’t stand here for ages’ or ‘oh I think I might have to perch my bottom on a convenient gravestone’.

The vicar lost his way a bit in the first hymn and they got a bonus verse. Well, it was actually the second verse sung twice. Never thought you could get a BOGOF in church.

Would’ve been Auntie’s 89th birthday tomorrow. Great innings, but she’s finally been run out. Ta Ta………………

To be (or not to be)

Yesterday was  Shakespeare’s birthday – he would have been 448. Not that I can understand a word wot  he wrote. I prefer the works of Ernie Wise myself.

Yesterday was also St George’s day. Apparently, most school kids don’t know who he was. Not surprising since he was born in Turkey. He may have stood more of a chance if he was born in Cannock.

He is said to help those suffering from leprosy, plague and syphillis. Not much call for that now either. Perhaps he should choose a new group of unfortunates to protect – binge drinkers and  people who eat lots of pies may get him a higher profile…….

Wasn’t me (mark 2)

Well, once more Mother was not the murdering, deceitful and all round bad egg. Although, by 2/3 of the way through, she could not remember the plot or who said what. The demon drink is to blame for this, good reader. Mother is known as a bit of a cheap night out, and after four (smallish) glasses of wine she was well on the way to becoming rat-arsed. And slightly wheezy. That would be the red wine then. The doctor has told her to give this up, but Mother has settled on the option of using an inhaler. Never one to let a bit of narrowing of the airways get in the way of a good booze-up…….

It could have been worse. She remained capable of taking herself to the toilet. There have been occasions in the past when, if she had been left to her own devices, her head would have disappeared down the pan……………

A good night was had by all. Next on the agenda is the Jubilee Garden Party. Unless it rains. Then it will be the Jubilee Let’s all Cram into Mother’s Living Room Party’………



Mother has been tarting herself up ready for the murder mystery party tomorrow. She has made a hat from an old beany thing and a length of pink feather stuff. The living room looked like she had been plucking a funny coloured chicken. She has raspberry coloured tights and pink shoes, complete with pink flowers on them. She has also got several lengths of pearls. Either her outfit will be a roaring success, or she’ll resemble a flamingo which has got locked in the dressing up box……..

Uncle Goober is going as a boxer. The irony of a pugilistic, Buddhist vegetarian is not lost on me……………Although if he goes around trying to pick a fight, we might as well have invited our grumpy little friend from Christmas to provide the opposition…………….

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