Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for February, 2012

Parking Fine?

Granny is having an ongoing dispute with the people across the way who have a female  friend who insists on parking across her drive. This means that Mother has to park in the street. This is OK most of the time, but is a pain in the arse when she has to pack Granny’s wheelchair for another trip to Tesco. You’ll already know about these adventures – the ones where Granny is getting ready for her interview to take over in North Korea!  Fear this, good people, for when this happens she’ll have her own state TV station with wall to wall adverts for sterident, incontinence pads and bananas!

Anyway, Granny has had words with the male of this household. His excuse?! ‘Well, she does have kids you know!’. Bugger me! Somebody has arranged to have all kids’  legs removed when I wasn’t looking. Why can’t the little darlings walk a bit further? Or we could arrange to have them fitted with wheels……….

Of course, this small problem pales into insignificance when you consider that the United Nations, NATO and the International Court of Arbitration may soon have to mediate Mug Wars……………Keep an eye out for the people in blue berets!

Take that back

Mother went to give someone an enema this morning. Five minutes later she was asked if she could take it out again. Of all the things she gets asked to do, this was one of the strangest, but she does admit that she, albeit briefly, did give some thought as to how this might be achieved. After consideration, she decided that a syringe up the rectum might stand the better chance of being successful as the vacuum cleaner might be a bit too severe, and the ‘syphoning with a straw’ technique does not bear thinking about…….

Tune in next week for how to undo an injection and ponder  ‘is it possible to take back eye drops without taking your eyeball out and rinsing it under a tap?’

Mug Wars

You’ve heard of the Hundred Years War……

You’ve heard of the Napoleonic War….

Now meet the war to end all wars – The War of the Mugs

A group of people Mother works with are adamant that their mugs are being stolen by the malicious mug fairy. This fairy allegedly works on Mother’s team. The nasty little imp steals mugs, uses them and doesn’t wash them. There is quite a pencillin factory going on in that office. More mugs have been trashed because no one can face washing them than Mother cares to count.

Latest development is a sign in the drawer where the mugs used to reside which says ‘Ha! Ha! Oh no! who’s mugs are you gonna rob now??’ Now, aside from the fact that the English teacher in Mother should point out that it’s not ‘who’s’ but ‘whose’, who’d have thought that such childish behaviour would eminate from a group of professional people?

So, the final word on the subject. My Mother does not go around nicking mugs. Her colleagues don’t nick mugs. So leave her alone. Or I might have to come and pee on your shoes……..

More stuff you wouldn’t believe

Stupid things to ask a district nurse to do: part 2.

Mother was at work last night, and was asked to visit someone to turn their washing machine off! Now Mother is a highly qualified medical professional with thirty years experience so you can guess what she said. Besides, it is her understanding that washing machines turn themselves off when the cycle is finished. So unless you’re asleep on the kitchen floor and the little red light is winking at you and keeping you awake, there would appear to be no urgency to turn it off………….

Mother was once asked to visit someone to switch their Christmas Tree lights off. She didn’t do that either……….

Granny is obsessed with switching stuff off at the wall. It was a real pain in the arse when she used to keep unplugging the video. In the end, she started leaving it on, but every time she went out she would put a clothes maid in front of it. Just so the burglars couldn’t see  the light, then break in to steal it. Thirty years ago, videos weighed a ton. If you’re prepared to risk rupturing yourself for an electrical device, you’re welcome to it!………………….


Mother is considering changing her name to Fido and entering Crufts. Why might this be, I hear you ask? Mother has just spent the morning being ordered about by Granny, with not a please, thank you or kiss my a**e in sight. In fact, Mother has had to be careful when driving past a field of sheep in case she gets the urge to gallop off and round them up. All Granny really needs is one of those dog whistle jobs and she’ll think she can conquer the world……………..

Mother has made up her mind to become selectively deaf. If there isn’t a ‘please’ at the end of a request she is going to ignore it. And if people don’t say  ‘thank you’ she is going to run over their feet with a truck……………


Elf and Safety gone mad….

Chair of death should have been fitted today. Men came, shook heads, gave sharp intake of breath and said that they couldn’t take the handrail off. Something to do with an asbestos risk. They took photos and everything. Chair of death looked likely to be postponed forever (or until men in Hazmat suits evacuated Granny and Dog, surrounded the house with a big tent, used specialist particle extraction systems and unscrewed the blasted things).


No 1 son-in-law took a B & Q screwdriver and got them off. He didn’t even put a hankie over his nose.

Now the nice man who moved the radiator unscrewed clips from the very same wall. The man who did the electrics drilled into it. Ages ago a man from the council screwed a new handrail bracket into it. And the men who come back to fit the Chair of Death will have to drill into it to attach the lift into the wall.

Mother hopes that they are not planning to use double sided tape and blu-tack or she’ll think they’ve been watching too much Blue Peter………………


Wouldn’t be seen dead

Niece No 1 has several quirks. She wouldn’t be seen dead in Aldi.  She would rather pay extra in Tesco for the kudos.

Following the mantra which says ‘how can you say you don’t like something if you’ve never done it?’ she once went in for some milk. She had to put a bag over her head to do it.  Five minutes into this process she decided that Aldi milk was ‘just not for her’ so she put it back and scurried out. She probably thinks that they use special mutant three legged cows who graze on astroturf. Whereas Tesco only uses cows who get invited into the house to watch Corrie.

Niece No 1 is very intelligent, but has little common sense. She thinks that fish don’t pooh. They just eat, and eat, and eat until they explode and make a mess on the inside of the tank………

Honest, I am not making this up……………


Know your (b)unions

No 1 niece thinks she may have a bunion. She has gone on about little else for a few months. Mother has done an inspection and has assured her that she just has funny feet.

Mother’s family is full of hypochondriacs. Granny is now on number 92 of ‘100 complaints to suffer before you die’. Brother-in-law has a sebaceous cyst on his scalp and thought he might have been growing another head. No 1 nephew thought he had funny tonsils. What is there about tonsils that is funny? It’s not like they’re going to burst out of your mouth asking if you’ve heard the one about the nun and the donkey………………

Nice Surprise

Mother has been given a bottle of wine by one of her patients, in gratitude for services rendered. That was very nice of him. She can now get sozzled.

A few months ago, the nurses were all given an angel figurine, in recognition of their hard work looking after a terminally ill patient. This is now gracing the shelf in the kitchen.

Mother wonders why nurses are called angels. It is her understanding that you can only be an angel when you’re dead. Mother doesn’t want to be dead until she’s lived long enough to get put in a nursing home, where she’s going to make everybody’s life a misery by poohing in inappropriate places. She has also got Uncle Andy to promise that when he is incarcerated he will piddle down the back of the TV and sit clapping as the smoke rises from the back of it………………


Keeping up with the times

A man called at Granny’s  yesterday to see if she wanted super-fast broadband fitting. Mother told him he was flogging a dead horse. Granny still hasn’t really mastered pen and paper…….

The installation of the new tourist attraction ‘Chair of Death’ (aka the Stair Lift) continues apace. A nice man moved the radiator yesterday. Another nice man is coming to fix the electrics on Friday, then it’s all systems go for the main event on Monday. Mother reckons we should be on target for an Easter opening, to rival Alton Towers. That is if she can persuade McDonald’s to put a franchise on the lawn.

Can’t see a problem with it meself, they’ve opened them everywhere else………..

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