Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for October, 2011

Hurray for Tesco ( I think)

Mr Tesco has a ‘buy one get one free’ offer on Whiskas cat food. Mother has already bought 12 boxes of the stuff (6 for me, 6 for Auntie’s brood). I think this is a bit of a mixed blessing – now I’ve got several hundred sachets of Fish in Sauce I suppose it means that I won’t be getting the Waitrose stuff anytime soon. Ah well…………..

Wot’s she on?

I think Mother may be on drugs. She has been cleaning through this house like a dose of salts. I have been dusted to within an inch of my life. In fact I am shining very brightly after she shot me with Pledge by accident………………

I think she may be stressed. She normally changes the curtains when she’s bit worked up, but she hasn’t got the ladders out yet. Perhaps she feels that this particular endeavour is a waste of time, as Uncle is bound to start drilling (or some other such manly pursuit) as soon she’s finished…………………

Slow shopping day

It has been like Cocoon in Marks and Spencer this morning. Everybody with a pension book has been in there. All the women have little bells dangling from the zip of their purses. This is a Police initiative – apparently when the sneaky pickpocket grabs hold of your purse you can hear him as he lifts it. You can then hit him with your walking stick and tell him to get his thieving hands off your money. Unfortunately, nobody banked on the damn bells ringing as a geriatric with a tremor attempts to pay for her fish cakes. Nobody then takes any notice of the bells, which is something similar to when your burglar alarm goes off and everybody ignores it cus there have been so many false alarms.

On the positive side, we are never short of a sleigh bell accompaniment for when Santa comes………

Wheelie Mad

Mother is of the opinion that bin lorries are the urban equivalent of a tractor. They pootle along, seemingly oblivious to the great long line of traffic that is mounting up behind them. The men in orange suits (wouldn’t that mean they were prisoners if they were in America?), drag bin to truck at the speed of a geriatric snail, slowly lift it on the device and gaze helplessly as rubbish is deposited. Then they slowly drag it back. The lorry driver then moves all of 3 inches before they stop and go through the whole process again.

And don’t get Mother spouting off on tractors. They are part of some rural conspiracy which dictates that they bounce along lanes all day. Don’t get thinking that the farm they eventually drive into belongs to them – they’re just turning around so that they can irritate more motorists on the way back……………


Mother has bought car insurance via computermabob. She is now entitled to free toy of small African mammal who apparently squeaks in Russian accent. How is that happening? I tell her – 6 inch cute furry thing travelling from Kalahari desert to Russia is impossibility. Unless they in box on aeroplane. Why are they wanting to go there anyway? Russia is bloody cold…………That kill all bugs….Cute furry thing starves. That not be helping selling of car insurance.

Have you noticed that, in deference to Russian Meerkat (should creature exist) I have completed paragraph without use of definite article?? Proving once more that I am superior intelligent being………


I am getting on Mother’s nerves. She is trying to order a trinket from Amazon or some other erstwhile purveyor of ‘stuff you might use only once and then put in the back of a cupboard’, and I am walking all over the computer keyboard. So far, she has ordered a washing machine and several hundred toilet rolls. I hope that she notices this before she hits the ‘buy now’ button. Having to explain to Amazon that ‘my cat ordered them which is why I want to send them back’ is something akin to the dog ate my homework………………….

Absolutely no modesty whatsoever

Anyone who knows me will be aware that I very rarely blow my own trumpet, but it would appear that members of the Archie Fan Club (The Archettes) have asked to see recent photos of me. I cannot bring myself to let them down so here goes……. If this doesn’t work it is the fault of her indoors….And by the way, I still love having my face brushed


It really should be illegal for anything to look as cute as me……….Babies are no competition for a good looking cat.


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