Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for August, 2011

Black Hole

Mother has lost a new bra. She remembers buying it (20% off) but can’t remember where she put it. She has hunted high and low for it but it still hasn’t materialised.

Apparently, Auntie says that you should ask St Anthony and his little angels if he can help you find it. He must be having an off day or something cus he’s been of absolutely no use so far. Mother is worried that when she eventually finds the thing it will be too big. I have suggested that she might wish to use it as a hanging basket or a potato storage unit but she has looked at me with disgust. Mother is rather a big chested girly (but beginning to shrink thanks to the diet). You could get 5lb of King Edwards in each side if you tried hard enough.

I am now going to shut up or I risk being sent to bed with no tea…………………….

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Won’t be long

Soon be time for her indoors to go away. She thinks I don’t know these things, but I can hear her plotting with Auntie. There are lots of other signs of her impending departure. The suitcase has appeared from the boiler cupboard. Clothes are scattered all over the place as she decides what she is going to take on the trek. All these things happen in the back bedroom. I am not supposed to go in there – Mother says that she has to have at least one poo free room – but I’ve sneaked in.

I tell myself that it could be worse – she could be putting me in a cattery……………….

Paranoia

Granny is still obsessing over Dog’s every move. Yesterday, it was because her bottom half ¬†kept twitching – for God’s sake can’t an animal have the occasional involuntary movement without there being an inquisition about it?

She’s also obsessed over Dog’s diet. Currently Dog is eating chicken and rice because of her upset tummy, but Granny is itching to feed her something more substantial – she never waits for the problem to settle before she is stuffing Dog’s face full of food which will set everything off again……..

It’s no wonder that some vets make enormous amounts of money – they get it from paranoid pensioners…………….

Sad

The little cat next door was having kittens but they died in her tummy. She has had to have something called a Seesarian and she is now wearing a big plastic collar. Mother says that this is to stop her biting at her stitches.

She escaped from her house when she was in season and became extra friendly with a naughty boy cat. It wasn’t me – I’ve had my bits nobbled. So has Marby, so no paternity testing necessary there. Snoopy never goes out so it couldn’t have been him. It could’ve been big fat Toby or Isis I suppose but now we’ll never know.

And the moral of this tale is…………..if you don’t want the patter of tiny paws, get your girly cat’s tubes tied

Birthday Party

Mother has been to a birthday party. There was no sex or drugs or rock and roll. Just Pass the Parcel. Yes, the party was for a three year old.

She did break her diet slightly when she ate a piece of birthday cake. Mind you, she had been stuffing her face with celery, which is, apparently, a negative calorie food (takes more calories to digest it than are actually in it). She says this gives her the right to eat a bit of sponge with jam in it.

This reminds me of the ‘Night Workers Guide to dieting’ – the rules by which every shift worker lives. In a nutshell, this is:

There are no calories in any food eaten after midnight and before 7am

There are no calories in brown food – chocolate qualifies here, as do chips (a very, very light variation of brown); ¬†MacDonald’s Ice Cream (cream is the new brown); any sort of cake/biscuits; crisps (same as chips); kebabs, burgers and any other sort of dubious meat. Food only has to have specks of brown in it to qualify (see chocolate chip cookies as an example).

There are no calories in any food which is eaten at a desk, in a car or whilst answering your e mails/undertaking the myriad of other things one has to do on a computer these days.

Why Mother ever had to go on a diet I don’t know……………

Eureka moment

Mother has had an epiphany. She has noticed that when I poo, bright red blood squirts from my nether regions after I have finished. Don’t ask yourself why she is in a position to watch me have a poo, she just doesn’t get out much and this is what passes for entertainment around these parts. Anyway, she thinks that I may not have colitis – her hypothesis is that I have rectal polyps. I knew that her advanced health assessment training would eventually come in useful.
Too bad that she didn’t think of this yesterday when I was at the vets…….

Road works

Mother says that you can tell it’s the school holidays cus half the roads in the area are closed for ‘essential maintenance’. What used to be a 2 mile trip has turned into a trek into the unknown, following diversion signs that have been placed by a complete moron whose aim is it to have you driving in circles. Mother says that it has to be a man who plans these things – I know for certain that it ain’t a cat as we couldn’t really care less. The only thing I’m bothered about is her getting delayed coming back from the supermarket with my tea…………..

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