Thoughts of Chairman Meow

Archive for July, 2011

Can’t fault yer

Apparently there is a woman in Devon who has tried to smother her husband because her didn’t offer her any sympathy when the cat died. Quite right too, there should have been three days of national mourning……………..

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More new technology

In preparation for the digital switchover, Granny B has now got a freesat box. This is yet more technology which she has to get to grips with (she’s only just mastered a can opener), and may well be one more thing she gets to wear if Mother’s single intact nerve snaps……

On the home front Bog Brush has been stalking next door’s pigeons. The council are planning a cull of pigeons in the city centre – it appears that there are too many of the little darlings. They needn’t come to Bob as he isn’t very good at this hunting lark. Mother is going to suggest they buy a falcon (or some other such Bird of Prey), which will soon put paid to the excess of flying rats. Then she can borrow it and see if it will do the same for her unwanted neighbours…………..

Under pressure

After today’s shopping trip, Mother wants to know how long she would get if she wrapped the wheelchair around Granny’s head.

Just think, peace, quiet, no more moaning Granny, nice job in a mail bag factory…………………

Meetings

Mother has been into work for a meeting that should have lasted  two hours but went on for three. Plus the extra half an hour she spent on phone calls when she got in. This would be OK except for the fact that she ignored me whilst she was doing this. I got my own back by threatening to poo in the bedroom. I had no intention of doing this, I just wanted to teach her a lesson.

Granny B is fretting over an envelope. She has lost a prepaid envelope that she is supposed to use to write to the lovely people at DWP. Oh, and she also has a ‘chest ache’. Before the medical people amongst you suggest that she needs an ECG, this ache has been going on for a bit and she has had several ECGs. They all imply that there’s not much wrong in the old ticker department.

Mother isn’t worried. Tomorrow it’ll be something else. Granny had lassa fever last week. She read about it in the paper.  The power of suggestion is a wonderful thing. Too bad we can’t auto suggest that she’s healthy……………….

Gardening

Mother has been in the garden rescuing next door’s garage from the overgrown ivy. Perhaps we’ll now find out if this was the only thing holding the roof on…………………….

Keep it in the family

Yesterday, Auntie H came to see Granny. She is as deaf as a post and refuses to wear a hearing aid. Consequently, you can talk about her and she has no clue what you are saying. She has a habit of saying ‘Yer what’ very loudly at about five minute intervals. She also has no teeth. And cataracts. Can’t hear, can’t chew, can’t see – it’s like three wise monkeys without any benefits……..

Will try anything once

The probiotic powder has arrived. Mother has managed to hide this in my food and I have wolfed it down. Sneaky bugger.

She has also decided that my colitis may be down to stress. She read in this cat magazine about a ‘plug in’ thing which is supposed to calm me down, so she’s bought one. It has valerian in it, so the porch now smells like a brewery but hey-ho. Last night was the trial run.

You may have wondered why I have waited until now to comment on this. It’s because I have been SPACED OUT MAN. If I was any ‘chiller’ I’d be half frozen. You could chop my leg off and I wouldn’t care.

Will it work on the bowels? Time will tell…………..

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